25 April 2018

Nesting

I am currently happily fixated on interior design even though my aesthetic has absolutely no formal training on the subject. I just like looking at pictures of other people's homes--to have an idea of what I consider as homey. We are moving to a new, modest-sized house (what others might consider as really small and too urban) that fits our lifestyle and budget. While my fantasy world considers the image above as the perfect interior (in a parallel universe where light fixtures do not exist, homes self-clean, there is no such thing as money, and time has been suspended in 1600s Europe)--I prefer pragmatic, affordable, understated elegance.  The home has to look nice, be comfortable, and should be easy to maintain--yet still instill a little bit of pride so as to freely invite family and acquaintances on special occasions.  Oh, it should also be accessible to essential locales and amenities, whether places of work, schools, churches, hospitals, and most especially---supermarkets. Food is a basic need of man.

It is a fact that I tend to romanticize the mundane.  Hah. Whatever rocks one's boat, right?

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22 April 2018

Sporadic revisiting

The mind and memory can play tricky games with our consciousness.  Looking back on the travails of these past ~3 years, I believe that I’m where I’m supposed to be. It was such a great feeling when during a chat with my senior colleague, she told me “...well, you’re wanted here.” What a wonderful statement to hear, isn’t it? I always thought that I shouldn’t expect validation and must not inordinately seek recognition, yet like most people, I probably innately crave it. I resigned to the fact that if I could go through things once again, I should have invested more on those which/who were worth the time rather than operate under the delusion that implicit biases or preconceived perceptions change. Sort of like Lindsay Lohan’s predicament on Mean Girls. I think I actually belong now. No longer the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Yay!

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16 April 2018

Irrelevance

“Flawed finite human nature” was the phrase that was constantly stated by a deacon last Sunday. I definitely manifest this and am regularly reminded of this by my immediate surroundings...surrounders

I concede. Nothing further, your honor.

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13 April 2018

Missing the Status Quo

I always went to this courtyard for the past 2.5 years.



Would you not agree that status quo is relative? It is impermanent and will vary depending on whose perspective it is being viewed.  It is not the absolute absence of change. It's like climate--average weather, if you will. My status quo will now shift. It's like a re-calculation of my center...rather, a re-calibration. Mean-centering, in mathematical/statistical/numerical parlance.

What I miss about the recent past is the luxury of being able to walk outside of my work station and go to this beautiful quiet spot (image above). Actually, it's only one among a couple of wonderful hidden spots I went to in order to think (or not think). Think of things I'm not required to think about, I mean. You know, in school you are required to read specific books--but there are occasions when you just want to read what you want to read. It's very much like that. I relocate my physical self to a place where I coerce my mind to think of things I want to think about, rather than things I'm employed to think about. Do you understand what I mean? *rhetorical question...if you answer back and I actually hear it...I may have to start seeing a psychiatrist...actually, I'm collaborating with two but----STOP this notoriously crazy internal banter manifesting as non-stop finger tapping on a keyboard!*

Meanwhile, I have had the pleasure of meeting with a curator and since I'm facing a windowless wall---I  chose this respite-like piece of pseudo-reality that only I can appreciate (since people entering the room won't be able to see it as it is partially hidden by a book case on the right where the door is located). It's like  an instant escape on a hypothetical rooftop in some European academic hyper reality.


Sneak preview from above my monitor.

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08 April 2018

Sporadic Melancholy

Bereavement is a ninja, isn’t it? Like a sniper, without warning, hits you right at the bullseye that is the seat of your emotions. I miss my father. The sort when you grit your teeth to stop the tears from flowing then you inhale with a staggered breath and your chest suddenly feels icy cold. A tear escapes, followed by another and another...and you exhale—surrendering to the feeling. Oh well. Life.

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17 March 2018

Endings and Beginnings


It is always bittersweet when we arrive at the end of a good experience--a vacation, occupation, etc.  I had been juggling multiple things in my career during this transition period and as I happily end those which were meant to end, I am enveloped by a feeling of blessed relief. I've always tried to maintain good professional and fraternal relationships wherever I am; with an omnipresent awareness that things eventually change. I've always related to Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee. Whereas I have always critiqued myself about most things, I pride myself on being a memorable part of other people's lives. I may not establish the tightest connections, I tend to create comfortable and easy ones. Of course, there were a handful of individuals who most certainly preferred to cut ties with yours truly--the proverbial "burning of the bridge" was not at my prompting. I could have been a great addition to their lives, but all I can do is shrug and move on to whomever I can lift up.  

Consider this as a much deserved pat on the back. To my husband as well, who is upgrading to a position in which he will be able to do what he loves to do. Kudos, Mr. Specialist!

So I hoist my rucksack of rainbows and confetti and move on to the next adventure.

We are all inherently good, friends. We just need to remind ourselves and do what we ought.

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16 February 2018

Headspace and Clarity



In spite of excessive, unconstrained over-analysis of my immediate social milieu, I am happy to have discovered the Headspace app for some requisite lucidity. Apart from this verbose outlet I have on blogger, Headspace encouraged the visualization of a blue sky--to bring our minds back to a peaceful state as if we were resting atop a high mountain overlooking a canyon. Often, the unpalatable feelings I experience are brought about by my conscious and voluntary tendency to replay a thought or idea that I'm fixated on.  I let my mind wander and let it be. It's not always a desirable activity--I should make it a point to think of the bigger, blue-er sky as opposed to that tiny, minute dark cloud.  I'm currently looking forward to connecting with an art curator to beautify my workstation--a pleasant and surprising benefit of an unfurnished place of toil. Ah, landscape art.

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15 February 2018

Visceral Reactions

Raise your glass if you encounter inconsistent behaviour from persons you initially deemed as trustworthy. I feel duped when I discover that what was agreed upon is presented differently to others—packaged in a seemingly neutralized but obviously modified format. The worst feeling is the delayed discovery that my naïveté led me to this trap of politicking. The worse than worst feeling is realizing that this wasn’t the first time; a viscious cycle.  I detest being a pawn in someone’s wicked chess game. Raise the drawbridge. Build a great wall. 

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31 January 2018

To Endure


'It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation.  Not merely for the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people who sit around and say, "Wait on time."' ~Martin Luther King Jr.


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13 January 2018

Not frobly-mobly

"Frobly-mobly" means neither well nor unwell. Fun fact.

It would appear that Disney has a supply of apt videos for my recent blog posts--I encourage you to watch the famous song "Reflection" from the film Mulan, which was sung by none other than Tony Award-winning and fellow Filipina Lea Salonga...
 


It seems that we all put on a mask to measure up to whatever standards are imposed by our environment. Even if one has achieved what is expected (e.g. wealth, education, etc.), deep within there is an undeniable insatiability that is sometimes mistaken as the need to level-up one's goals.  Most of the ruminations in our head are really fed by wanting to be affirmed by others.  We forget that we should put ourselves right on top of the pecking order. Of course, it's easier said than done especially if our personal happiness is tightly linked to other people's happiness.  The first step is to "sshh" our minds as Chris Evans suggests in this feature.

As for me, I realized that there's a need to constantly remind myself that I have control over how attached I should be about my thoughts, because I forget--just like Dory from Finding Nemo. Much of the anxious feelings I experience are due to over-examination or over-interpretation of certain events or encounters, which is probably the case for most of us.  So it's useful to tell one's self: "*insert your name*, ssshh."   

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