it's one of those abstract posts

There's so much negativity in this world. Today is a rather depressing day. When you are going on with your life normally and you have no adversaries, there are just some persons who love to poke you around with a trident and provoke you. And put you down. I suppose part of human behavior involves focusing on all the imperfections of others in order to derive self-esteem. I try not to be one of them...but I seem to be some sort of magnet for these people. Maybe because I'm challenging...I resist passively...I do not crumble in front of them. I do not join the "I'm better than you" game. It's unhealthy, it spreads cynicism and suspicion and selfishness.

I have become pathologically insecure. I would much rather be ignored than be constantly subjected to scrutiny and made aware of all my "not good enough" traits. You see, I've always admitted to be insignificant. I really do not understand the necessity of rubbing it in that I'm not a good enough parent, employee, person. That I am not physically at par with the minimum standards of aesthetics that this fickle society has created. But I find myself being consumed with these imperfections.

Perhaps, that's the reason why I don't have gut friends. I can only relate to others up to a certain level. I find solace in the impersonal and casual kinds of things. Because my senses have been heightened towards people who just love to find fault in whatever I do and my entire person. I really do want to go on with this life quietly...no more spectacular ambitions for me. Because I realized that the more you aspire for something and are capable of acquiring whatever it is, the heavier the resistance from people who are aiming for the same thing.

So now I step back. I do not want to be great. I just want to be ordinary...and do ordinary things extraordinarily well.