chopsuey of ideas

Silence of the mind
Simplicity of the soul
Serenity of the heart

...as mentioned by a priest during a homily for my friend who recently passed away due to pregnancy complications. I wish I had her peace. Her selflessness and willingness to give up her life for the sake of her child's survival. I wish I were a better mother. I wish I were a better person.

I wish my mind were really silent. It's filled with many useless anxieties.
I wish my soul were simple and not too idealistic in a negative sense.
I wish my heart were serene and not tumultuous.

<----->

I just got promoted at work. I know I should be ecstatic and all, but I feel a bit heavy. It feels burdensome. It's the never-ending struggle to be good.

<----->

A friend told me that I'm probably an introverted people-pleaser. I suppose so. I can get along with different types of people and probably have learned to adapt to varied personalities, but there are only a handful of people I can call 'gut' friends. Honestly, I fear that my real self may drive people away. Or maybe I find it difficult to trust people? So I'd rather avoid trust issues by not revealing too much of myself? The point is, I would much rather be ignored and unregarded. And sometimes attention is really uncomfortable.