God's form of entertainment (drama/'gag you' post)
Warning: this is very long, duh. And incoherent. And may cause you to gag. Maybe we are all experiencing some form of existentially puzzling thing.
<----->
For a very long time, I have been struggling very hard to answer that call to the apostolate...to be holy. For a fleeting moment, I thought I was going to be a nun or a numerary. I kid you not children. For years I have spent most of my time in dutiful parochial service until I was then diverted to a domestic life. I didn't go to med school. I married early (to a good man, might I say) to be assured of a stable future somewhere in North America (as if people have not been aware...well, everyone knows where) and people thought I got knocked up. After which, people started to think there was something wrong when I couldn't get pregnant for almost a year. Then I went through the worst kind of pregnancy (in my standards), both physically and emotionally. And lately, people are annoyingly bugging me to get pregnant again. That I work too much. That I look substandard due to stress. That my parental skills need a lot of improvement. I literally want to hit my head on a concrete wall. For a moment, I wish people would just ignore me...really.
God: And what is your point? Other people have gone through worse.
Okay, point well taken, God. No, I'm not being disrespectful. Sorry.
I would just like to say that I have tried to be as obedient as I could. I think. I have resisted rebellion. I have learned to let go of the things I wanted. I become guilty when I do things or get things for myself. I never asked for big things. I have been constantly asking for contentment and humility. Call me proud and self-righteous and a goody-goody, but I would much rather have an utterly boring life than live a fast, exciting life filled with guilt and with a hazy direction. That's not who I am. I think I'm a sport.
I resolve to think that I am amusing...?
(Dear reader, if you're a student (or you've been my student in the past), you probably think that I am. Sometimes, I don't even mean to be funny and then the whole class just starts to guffaw.)
So God, here's my 'dead-end' question: What else do you want me to do just so I can finally experience contentment? My intellectual interests are meant to stay in my head. I never explicitly asked to experience anything extraordinary (even extraordinarily good, yet complicated things). My mind and heart are panting. Hard. Oxygen supply can't keep up with the demand. No, I do not wish to have been a non-living organism instead, Lord.
Okay...it just started to rain hard. How coincidental. Background music anytime soon? But for all it's worth, thank you God. For everything that's been and will be.
<----->
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can...
and the wisdom to know the difference.
(St. Francis of Assisi)
<----->
For a very long time, I have been struggling very hard to answer that call to the apostolate...to be holy. For a fleeting moment, I thought I was going to be a nun or a numerary. I kid you not children. For years I have spent most of my time in dutiful parochial service until I was then diverted to a domestic life. I didn't go to med school. I married early (to a good man, might I say) to be assured of a stable future somewhere in North America (as if people have not been aware...well, everyone knows where) and people thought I got knocked up. After which, people started to think there was something wrong when I couldn't get pregnant for almost a year. Then I went through the worst kind of pregnancy (in my standards), both physically and emotionally. And lately, people are annoyingly bugging me to get pregnant again. That I work too much. That I look substandard due to stress. That my parental skills need a lot of improvement. I literally want to hit my head on a concrete wall. For a moment, I wish people would just ignore me...really.
God: And what is your point? Other people have gone through worse.
Okay, point well taken, God. No, I'm not being disrespectful. Sorry.
I would just like to say that I have tried to be as obedient as I could. I think. I have resisted rebellion. I have learned to let go of the things I wanted. I become guilty when I do things or get things for myself. I never asked for big things. I have been constantly asking for contentment and humility. Call me proud and self-righteous and a goody-goody, but I would much rather have an utterly boring life than live a fast, exciting life filled with guilt and with a hazy direction. That's not who I am. I think I'm a sport.
I resolve to think that I am amusing...?
(Dear reader, if you're a student (or you've been my student in the past), you probably think that I am. Sometimes, I don't even mean to be funny and then the whole class just starts to guffaw.)
So God, here's my 'dead-end' question: What else do you want me to do just so I can finally experience contentment? My intellectual interests are meant to stay in my head. I never explicitly asked to experience anything extraordinary (even extraordinarily good, yet complicated things). My mind and heart are panting. Hard. Oxygen supply can't keep up with the demand. No, I do not wish to have been a non-living organism instead, Lord.
Okay...it just started to rain hard. How coincidental. Background music anytime soon? But for all it's worth, thank you God. For everything that's been and will be.
<----->
Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can...
and the wisdom to know the difference.
(St. Francis of Assisi)
8:34 PM
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