when you are put in a box

I couldn't blame that friend who took his life last Sep8. I'm not justifying his decision to commit suicide. My life isn't mine and taking it would be stealing. It's just that people perceive him to be a straight,simple, and funny person who was always there when you needed him. Probably, when he tried to reveal his problems, he was just ignored or thought of as silly. That's what I've been feeling for decades. When I start to divulge, people and family tell me that I'm fabricating what I feel or that I'm assuming things or I'm being silly or I need to pray some more. I've taken advice. I've tried to tune out. I've practiced nonchalance, passive resistance, I pray, I cry, I watch comedy. But people don't understand. That's why I just keep it in. I learned that I don't need people. I've learned to absorb criticism by the bulk. Especially the kind that says that I have absolutely no right to feel low and that I should feel lucky. I've heard that so many times. But I know how to deal with that. I have means of venting. And I developed into a very quiet robot.