/** I am commenting here as a note to myself in case I go back to this post with an attempt to update:
Let it go, Anna. Let them go. Let your blessings and the love that you have around you help you overcome this little cross that the Lord has given you. A cross that is a means to help you on your life's journey. Whatever you learn, keep it. Focus on the good things--there are so many things to be grateful for. **/
Betrayal is such a wretched act. To gain one’s trust, only to exchange it for a quick thirty pieces of silver is an act that can never be vindicated. An act that only provides temporary respite and a life sentence of regret. Do not betray someone who has trusted you. If you have, nothing that you do afterwards can make things go back as they were.
My thought process has been stolen and I know who stole it. Someone who has become familiar with how I think and write and may have become delusional and drunk with the idea that the guidance was equivalent to absolute possession of my ideas. Unfortunately, the deed is something that cannot easily be incriminated—especially since it seems as if the thought process has been the thief’s (and all those complicit) all along. If one bothered to look closely, one will be illumined. I feel sorry for the primary complicit human shield—a mixture of naivete and arrogance. Am I going to do something about it? I may not need to. I will let Divine Providence be in charge. I will let history tell the story. It will be laid bare...it will be laid bare. May God have mercy on their souls.
/** My need to unload the emotional burden has led me to update this post intermittently. I feel much better now after Update 3. I'm slowly moving towards peace of mind. I am reversing the order of the updates. Thanks to my friends, family, and my imaginary audience for your indulgence. **/
Update 3: Denote A as the current trigger event and B as my thought process (e.g. a scholarly endeavor). When I initially examined A, due to an icy feeling that slowly crept through me due to its semblance to B...I stopped my examination. After further examination of A, it also included C. Thus A=B+C+other things. Incidentally, C was first and foremost the idea of the more senior person I mentioned in Update 2. Alas, we were both robbed. You know what, they can have this. With this dog-eat-dog environment, I’m certain there are equally ruthless hyenas (also carnivores like dogs but are predatory in packs) that they have wronged and will find any opportunity to pounce. Whether or not they get caught, it will be a lifetime of self-imposed atonement assuming they are capable of remorse. There is still mercy inside my heart and I’m sure their end in mind was really just to fulfill an obligation except that the desperation compelled a Machiavellian route. I am praying and will continue to pray for their redemption.
Update 2: I was hoping for this to go away, it’s like 3 years ago again and couldn’t stop weeping. The weeping 3 years ago was after a more senior person told me the truth...that what I had done was rejected because it was redundant to something that had already been submitted (I am paraphrasing in a tamer manner, she didn’t want to show me the exact message—only the contents of what had been submitted including the complete list of names). I had invested time and shared what I knew thinking that it was a collaboration. My work was different. I knew then that they didn’t want to collaborate with me and I still don’t know why. And that was when I began telling myself that maybe I just didn’t fit in.
While the more senior person who broke the news dictated snippets of the email, I felt so humiliated, helpless, used, and it was unfair. It was like when Peter denied that he knew Christ thrice before the cock crowed. I’m definitely no Christ, but that’s how it was like. She then gave me another opportunity—having had to propose a dissemination idea to another group who welcomed me without question on short notice...it was a wonderful collaboration that produced relevant works. I started writing and unloading from
this point. Why I miss my father now is because when I shared what had happened then, his replies (which I have kept) were “Owww. Well, a little bump won't hurt much. Just smile it off and move on. Love you 😘😘😘”, “Okay anak, quiet ka na lang, wish them well and move on”, “Don't quit. Fight on anak! Give [redacted] the benefit of the doubt. Basta do your best next. Banish negative thoughts anak & pray harder for strength.”
I read these messages now and then. I will do my best to banish negative thoughts. But I need to unload what I feel. I’m sure I will get over this in time. And the truth will liberate all.
Update: I may do something about it. It is not right, and no amount of gaslighting can hide the Truth. He may have been doing it habitually. Such a pity. I’m running out of pity, though. A good name requires integrity—if you don’t have integrity, it will and will always be revealed. Justice will be served, slowly but surely.
Labels: rant, reality
