ired when tired

 I am exhausted. And grumpy. The area between my eyebrows feels sore, because I frowned the whole day. Right before writing this, I was brushing my teeth and was thinking of a play on words that connected grumpiness and being tired. How amusing is it that the word “tired” contains the word “ired”? Since English is my second language, I initally had doubts whether the word “ired”—as the past tense version of “ire”—is an actual word in the English language. A quick browser search led to a result from a website called Word Finder that stated “Yes, ired is a valid Scrabble word.” 

Is this something you experience? General irritability when exhausted? On average, I’m normally mute and immobile when I’m tired—which makes sense…like a device’s battery that’s been drained. Today, I’m just temperamental and snap-at-someone volatile. Aging? PMS? Stormy weather? All of the above?

Changing the mood…I had a cappuccino and an almond croissant a few days ago when it was sunny and brisk. I thought it was a good time to take a break and enjoy my snack outside. I hope the weather improves so we can all have ideal autumn climes. I’m thinking of all those who’ve had to endure the storms these past few days.

Snippet of an ordinary predicament

Despite proper planning, one can still miss something. I thought my morning ministrations went well until my hunger signalled lunch time and discovered that I forgot my lunch bag at home. Facepalm. Hangry-ness. At least I know that everyone else in my family have theirs.  Strode to the elevator and went to that cafe I used to go to every morning a couple of years ago. I remember posting about a nice barista (read here) who once worked early mornings at that cafe. She wasn’t there—after all, it has been 5 years. I hope she’s well. I don’t remember her name nor her face and my post is the only memory I have. Bittersweet. I ordered a small black coffee, a tuna melt sandwich, and a brownie. I wasn’t planning on getting a brownie…it was an impulsive thing that happened while I was unzipping my wallet when out of the blue I stated ”…and a brownie, please.” I surprised myself. Like a subconscious attempt for self-appeasement. Quick lunch then proceeded to have a busy afternoon, after which I enjoyed my brownie. Delayed gratification. One of those things I do so I can have some little thing to look forward to at the end of the day (For some folks, it’s a can of beer or glass of wine). When all is done, I express sighs of relief or perform loud stretches when I plop myself on the sofa or supinate on the bed with a fluffy pillow beneath my head. 

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constricted

Current sentiment. The gatekeeping is perpetual, and when brought forward, gaslighting follows. A never-ending process; by rote. It’s probably pointless to further pursue. Will never win. What a hopeless endeavour and trap.

uplifted by nostalgia

This fall feels like a concerted effort to return to non-pandemic normalcy. Morning rush hour, commuters on foot or on some type of vehicle, noisy streets, long queues on coffee shops or restaurants, etc. I was overwhelmed this week and at the end of one work day, I decided to go on the internet to find a solution. Mel Robbins, who is an American motivational speaker, had this video posted on YouTube entitled "How to stop feeling overwhelmed right now": https://youtu.be/4zEBjqhwobA. You can imagine that I literally typed those words on the search bar. I followed the instructions in real-time and actually found consolation. At that moment of peak overwhelmed-ness, I wrote down everything in my head then highlighted the top items that I have control over and can actually carry out then felt a whole lot better. Much of the concerns that affect me at any given moment are attributable to things that I voluntarily think about and play repeatedly in my head. 

The following day, I felt more in control and focused on those things that I resolved to prioritize during the day. It felt good. When the day ended--while walking amidst fellow end-of-the-day commuters--I felt the affirmations of the cool autumn breeze and the bright late afternoon sun. It's as if nature is giving me a pat on the back for the decision to overcome the day's toil. Interestingly, I also felt youthful. At over four decades of existence (which I can't help to constantly bring up, maybe out of pride), I can hardly consider myself young, yet that particular afternoon made me feel young and uplifted. I will try to remember that feeling and go back to it. I should have a way to pin or stamp that feeling in my brain so that I can access it when I need it. Wouldn't that be great? To be able to save an original feeling in a folder and then open the file on demand...that would be fantastic. 

depths and time lost

 I felt that in recent times, my enthusiasm for meaningful rumination has decreased. I admit that vanity and nostalgia are the main drivers of this post. I don’t think that there’s been a scarcity of thought provoking moments—in fact, things are more intense today compared to decades ago. Perhaps aging has made me more tired…in general. So much so that I’ve prioritized my exposure to superficial popular culture topics or the rabbit hole of threads of information and opinions about some breaking news (i.e. gossip). To escape. Or due to that prevalent theme of FOMO (‘fear of missing out’—for the benefit of my fellow geriatric millenials). I miss my previous blogging self. I take that back—maybe I don’t miss my previous blogging self just because my past self was easily tiggered. Easily triggered by a variety of things necessitating frequent introspection or being in my head resulting in the writing of cryptic or abstract posts for the sake of catharsis. An intensity that I probably have less of today. Or maybe I’ve ventured into other forms of catharsis. That’s probably it. 

I saw a randomly recommended video of a celebrity who expressed an aversion (that’s my interpretation) towards his smart phone because of time lost. That when he was using an analog phone, he had more time to read books. It’s easy to waste time on the internet. I have a pile of books that I haven’t finished—many that I’ve started but set aside including ebooks on my kindle. I should reevaluate how I budget my leisure time. It’s not too late—isn’t it? We’ll see. 

Jam-packed

 

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

As the title states--it has been jam-packed. Hustle and bustle, hurly-burly. So many developments in a span of a few weeks. Sad news, happy news. Such sustained eventfulness and it's exhausting, frankly. On the topic of jam...I have been consuming inordinate (probably acceptable) amounts of peanut butter and jam sandwiches which I find enjoyable. In my non-nutrition expert opinion, I think that PB&J sandwiches are easy to prepare, convenient, portable, and provides sufficient energy. I also find that it goes well with home-brewed coffee in a tumbler. This is me convincing myself that all is well even though I could do better in the nutrition department. Also, I just realized that the only free image of a PB&J-looking sandwich I could quickly find includes open-faced sandwiches of the non-traditional kind. Still looks appetizing.  How about you, how is the general milieu?

update: here’s a sandwich doodle, cheers!