“It is what it is.” ~Justin with progeria

This interview is full of quotable quotes. So much wisdom and surrender. Waking up and knowing that you are awake is a miracle. I urge you to watch this https://youtu.be/RoibJeQYj9M

"...do not think you are privileged...be more humble..."

YouTube suggested this video--it may either be the first or second in the recommended videos. It is about Our Lady of Akita and how the miracles and apparitions through Sister Agnes Sasagawa was the same as the messages at Fatima.

The line that struck me the most was when Sister Agnes revealed what she had first experienced to the diocesan Bishop, the Bishop told her to keep silent and not think that she is privileged. And that she should strive to be more humble.

I guess that's the message for me today. I am being told that I am not privileged. That I should try to be more humble. Just because I am examining my inner life in (what I still consider superficial), that doesn't mean I am special. That doesn't mean I am better than anyone. I should strive to be more humble. Interestingly, I had been very ill since two days ago: chills, calor, dolor, rubor, maybe even tumor. Like my head was inflating and deflating rhythmically and so I wince in the futile hope of lessening the sakit. I had to ask my husband to help me get an appointment soonest--but I thought it wasn't that fatal to the point that he should call 911 because I could still breathe and smell and taste. I had been in this situation many times before. I always get tonsillitis or a major throat infection at least once a year. It's interesting that I had been isolated and had not left the house so I just shake my head left and right. Message to me: "...do not think you are privileged...be more humble..." See, even this anonymous blogpost whilst sick is like me saying silently...."no really, I'm special, God makes me suffer constantly, I'm His favorite...." No, no, no. I want to re-read this and scoff at myself and make this a lesson.

Interesting, colourful turn of human events. *Shrug* ouch

Easter high

Despite the fact that we are unable to celebrate Easter in communities--both in the sacramental and secular ways, I still felt that "high"--a sort of rekindling. The local Easter Sunday mass ended with the Benediction: I was once encouraged by my father to join a Catholic doctrine group for women and there would be meditation, confession, mass, and Benediction in Latin. The song that starts on the link above is "O Salutaris Hostia" which I learned to appreciate. It was written by St. Thomas Aquinas.

Going back to this Holy Week and Easter....
What resonated well with me during this celebration was what the Cardinal exhorted during the vigil:

• "...when and where did this happen, and how would you know? That's a very good question, it kind of punctures the bubble of a religion or philosophy that's floating out there--beautiful to hear, wonderful to soothe, a kind of a nice gooey concoction theological meringue but which has no substance to it..."
• "The historical events of the resurrection...it is located in history...God intervenes in our history. Faith is not a matter of watching the cycles of nature go around and around and around---the kind of merry go round nature---worshiping nature? No..."
• That this event, happened in 30 AD, in April during the time of a minor Roman governor named Pontius Pilate. This is locked in history. That the resurrection was relayed through witnesses at the tomb, the disciples on the way to Emmaus, the apostles, and all those who encountered Christ after His death.
• "We do not worship nature, we do not worship ideas, we do not spin a kind of therapeutic religion that makes us feel good (okay, this one hit a nerve)...our symbol is not a happy face, our symbol is the Cross of Jesus Christ Who was nailed to that on Calvary around the year 30 AD under the rule of Pontius Pilate...that's how Pontius Pilate gets into our Creed, he's totally unimportant...but it nails it down into history..."

The main audience of this post is yours truly. It is a great reminder. Through the years, my faith would always change "temperature": burning then lukewarm even times of really cold waves then lukewarm to burning...it goes through waves, unfortunately. Not the kind of consistency that I would want. 

Further, I do not want to be the religious kind that is just for show...always focused on the rites...never on the application. Always at Church but never charitable. Perfect attendance in Holy Days of obligation, but judgmental with only terrible things coming out of one's mouth--self-righteousness in the most unbecoming form. That's why so many people move away from the faith...from the Church. It's because of those who do not represent it well through their lives. I've been in that situation where I began to question the Church because of how certain individuals didn't walk the talk...I wasn't born into a religious family---we were sort of called to it through painful circumstances. Honestly, I've met at least one atheist and many non-religious people who were probably more Christian than most "religious" people I know. I know, I sound like the person that I'm supposed to detest. Sorry.

...I like that story in scripture about the publican and tax collector--the one that ends in "whoever exalts himself will be humbled; and whoever humbles himself will be exalted." We don't need to press release everything we do, whether for ourselves or for our faith. This is me talking to myself and to you, whoever you are. Again, what matters is what is in our hearts when we are alone and that we are genuinely sorry (i.e. confess) for things that we have done wrong. 

The Rood

The cardinal who officiated today’s Good Friday service mentioned a centuries old poem about the cross—The Dream of the Rood. I searched for it and found it here. It speaks about two images of Our Lord’s cross: a bejeweled image and another that is stained with blood. We all have our different versions of suffering at this moment—some more benign and others which are excruciatingly painful. What the Cardinal stated in his homily was that Our Lord has suffered in every humanly way possible despite being truthful and full of compassion and love. Yet, this laying down of Christ’s life for the salvation of all helps us remember that there is something beautiful that comes out of sacrifice. As in the case of the current scourge, those who are suffering or have passed were cared for by medical experts who are strangers to them. That in situations where there is human suffering, there are people who willingly share themselves in some way without any self-serving motive. The quiet and anonymous help that people impart will be remembered by Our Lord.

I still have much to learn about how to love my neighbour. As Francis Fernandez quoted St. Escriva in today’s reflection (In conversation with God vol. 2), “Love sacrifice; it is a fountain of interior life. Love the Cross, which is an altar of sacrifice. Love pain, until you drink, as Christ did, the very dregs of the chalice.”

When you feel chastised, oppressed, excluded, or wrongfully judged for being true...remember that what other people think of you does not matter. If people think well of you for superficial reasons, that doesn’t matter as well. What matters is what you do and what you think when no one can see you and whether those would please The Lord and help you attain eternal life.

On Good Friday, our general intercessions include the Pope, the Church, the laity, political figures, the scourge, the Jewish people who first heard God’s word through Abraham, those who do not recognize Christ, and those who do not recognize God. In spite of my imperfections, your imperfections, our moral frailty—every new day is an opportunity to rise up and strive to fulfill our purpose: to love one another.

Visceral orange alert (rambling nonsense)

[Update: this is almost pseudo-hallucination. I think knowledge of hallucinations as a manifestation of high fever or severe infection has rendered me a hypochondriac. *facepalm* Indulge me and my mental evisceration (ew). I thank you.]

[Update 2: Last night’s dream was so vivid—I saw colours. There was an event at a famous diner, announcements, a park performance. My old convent school, then pouring rain. The colour red and someone’s face. I woke up feeling that I cannot trust the characters in my dream...was that the message? Or was there something I’m supposed to know. A message? I do not know...]

Whether real or illusory, there is a feeling of...it’s odd...I am being warned of deceit—being thrown under the bus, if you will. Or something like the things I’ve said or done or emotions I’ve laid bare are being recycled and presented as another’s personal insight...or knowledge of what I feel is being communicated to others as their own genuine feelings or thoughts. I mean, there’s certainly a finite number of human feelings that are appropriate for current circumstances and I cannot pee on my emotions for territorial claim, but I’m being ‘made aware’ by the ether of sinister machinations (geez, I may seriously be under the influence of opportunistic subconscious idle speculation tendencies...what?! Paranoia?). For whatever purpose, I do not know. I should probably be flattered, huh? *chin scratching* I probably should take a cold shower. Or put an ice pack on my face.
I’m writing this out as a form of purgation. Writing diarrhea. Purge purge the brain.

Too much thinking time. Rather, it’s about time that I had thinking time. Bad overthinking time. Time. Space. The final frontier...these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, its mission...oops, sorry, I digress. That’s a mega tangent right there.

How I came to realize this? The energy feeling thingamajig...
Dreams, random mental pictures, a strong gut feeling. Of course, I have the usual option of ignoring these visceral messages. I am empirical, yet there is this strong force of negativity that I am detecting. I do not know why. Or maybe it’s this collective anxiety that everyone feels and what I thought of as My own personal anxious feelings are really all these energies from others...I’m like a non-specific receptor. Need to step back and weaken links. Again, avoid energy vampires.

My advice to you, dear reader, is for you to take care of your well-being and positive energy. Choose who you let into your existential perimeter (can’t think of a better English description). Choose the ideas that you allow as tenants in your valuable conscious real estate.
Amen.

Addendum: karma is a female dog

Escaping anxious states and pernicious behaviour

I was happy to have participated in a short meditation practice led by a respected scientist who studies mindfulness and its relationship with resilience and stress.  I realized that aside from pursuing healthy distractions such as light reading or hobbies, through meditation we are able to healthily reboot and have the ability to function normally in spite of sustained high-stress situations. I have been reading short stories from The Mammoth Book of Time Travel Romance (go on, cringe, say "ew"...I do not care *hair flip*) and doing a lot of music-related activities, creative yet practical cooking and baking. I've been rearranging room layouts, doing low-effort cleaning, performing short workouts, and meditating. I like this YouTube channel called Boho Beautiful and have bookmarked an arm workout video and some guided meditation videos. The meditations are on top of my regular prayer time---my prayer time is a time I set aside to be grateful for the little things that happened during the day including things that did not happen that is for the highest good.

Also, I've tried to reduce thinking too much of negative thoughts or wallowing on negative behaviour that I receive. I think this is such a stressful time for everyone; so much so that people become unusually rude or inconsiderate. And this is really because people are laser-focused on themselves and their circumstances. So my recommendation is to avoid letting your energy get robbed. It is useful to think: this time next year, would I look back and consider this essential to my life? Not to say that we should start being emotion-less androids--it's just making sure that we do not willingly subject ourselves to energy vampires. We should try our best to be available to our families and friends during this time of physical isolation and tribulation, yet we have to have enough self-respect not to subject ourselves to being hurt or taken advantage of. I think a good measure of people's characters is how they respond to high stress situations.

So, despite the challenges brought about by what is happening today...heed what Max Ehrman's Desiderata says:

" Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

[I've mentioned Desiderata so many times on this blog--it is one of my most beloved poems. It's my compendium for life. https://annaswhatnots.blogspot.com/search?q=desiderata%27]