ad lucem

*hypocrisy

Since my accidental encounter with Robert Royal's analysis of Dante's Divine Comedy at the library, I've been undergoing a sort of self-inflicted torment. I believe in hell...I have no intention of going there, of course. In the Inferno (Hell) section of the poem, the funnel-shaped hell is divided into circles in which various forms of torture are experienced by souls who have died in various types of sin. Although the poem is a work of fiction, it does seem supernaturally inspired. The bothersome thing is that, I think I'm going to hell. I'm still way too self-involved (which you probably can observe in this blog). I haven't gotten rid of this bad habit (among other things) just yet. Oh well, a song by the Sundays says, hmm the thought of heaven couldn't drag me from the path now I'm wandering here alone.

anti-superiority complex

I'm back from my pseudo-cyberspace sabbatical!

So what's this anti-superiority complex mumbo-jumbo all about? In my ultimate quest for the fullness of life (ahem ahem), I often encounter instances when I'm tempted to violate the 8th Commandment which states, Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

If there's one thing that irks me, it's the high-and-mighty-I-am-the-best-and-everyone-else-is-incompetent behavior. There are appropriate situations where one is allowed to blow his own horn, but doing it all the time? Oh come on. Each of us on this planet have equal footing when it comes to dignity.

I remember the poem by John Godfrey Saxe entitled Blindmen and the Elephant. Each of the blind men was so convinced that their description of the elephant (based on their tactile senses) is the best and most representative among the rest. See, there is a tendency for people to believe that the world can be explained by their field of specialization. Geez. It takes a whole lot of humility to accept that what we know is just a teeny weeny part of the entire cosmic story.

In the olden times, this kind of narrow-mindedness got people killed! Ptolemy said the world was the center of the universe (but I think he didn't die because of that) but he was wrong, Hitler said that the Aryans were destined to rule the world, etc etc.

Anyway, my suggestion to, well, all of us is that we practice passive resistance. In my realm, silence does not mean yes...for me it means hell no. So, inasmuch as it makes us grit our teeth to tolerate people who degrade our specializations, convictions, and our place in society...let us remember that our passive resistance makes us civilized people.

alas!

...poor phone line connection, i knew it well...

I will be on blog leave...meanwhile, let me share today's quote de la dia by Jane Austen:

"Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way."

So go on, tell the corniest joke, dance the macarena, etc etc. Take things lightly and live longer.

i'd like to take a load off

I am officially burnt out. I would like to veer away from anything related to work and school. I'd like to wake up in a different situation...an extremely different situation. Something stress-free and idyllic. Like a beach...or the province...or Antarctica...somewhere where silence actually has sound (very Simon & Garfunkel).

Maybe I'll read a trashy novel or stare at the ceiling and count from 1 to God knows what number. Perhaps if I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, I might suddenly find myself at Times Square and then I'll scream "I love New York!

Or maybe I'll just type and pretend someone gives a flying-fu... fudge (excuse my language) about cyber-monologues.

Thank you for wasting your time

When I am most people

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." - Oscar Wilde

How annoying was that quote? But I'm guilty. I am EXACTLY what he's talking about...how sad.

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Poetry passage for today from Matthew Arnold's Longing

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again.
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Webpage of pure GeNiUs!

http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/

He plays Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds...his webpage is just utterly fantastic! I wish wish wish I thought of that layout...man, he's incredibly artistic. So just in case I start scanning my blog entries, you know where I got the idea (I'm very dutiful when it comes to citing sources...plus I'm a bit plagiarism-phobic).

the baseness of me

The knowledge which makes others wise has made
Me blind. I recognize my faults too late.
Hope lessens, yet, before desires fade,
Oh friend, dissolve my self-love and self-hate.

Michaelangelo wrote that...yes, Sistine chapel-painting, nude-guy sculpting Michaelangelo. I came across his book of sonnets in the library and couldn't stop reading each page. There is something eerily familiar with his sonnets. When I took the borrower's log card at the back to write my name...lo and behold! I had borrowed it 4 years ago! Very odd. I couldn't remember borrowing it.

I realized that my struggle to understand myself has been going on for a really long time. I'm sure at one point in your life you became curious about why you see things the way that you do...I mean literally see everything in your perspective. Why you weren't the person next to you or why you weren't from a different country...it's weird.

There is this strong surge of desire for me to feel a sense of contentment. I suppose it happens to all of us. Material things cannot fulfill my longing for true happiness...apparently, even knowledge can't cope with my inexplicable passions. I only become deaf and isolated from the world in that split-second I exchange glances with my son or husband. It is a fleeting yet profound experience that I so often forget...yet never cease to look for. Such is the irony of my incoherent self. Many times when my emotions take control, a part of me could actually objectively observe that possibility of completely detaching from sanity. It freaks me out to the core. I need to be more optimistic and not over-analyzing. There is much to be content about.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so curious. That I didn't want to know so much. That I relished each second of the present. What I feel now can't be released through an alternative outlet...it's a raw kind of feeling that I just have to put into language. Thank God for keyboards and imaginary audiences.

aiming for magnanimity

Being an academician can sometimes make me think highly of myself. Hugh Jackman once said that the cure for all types of insecurity is education. However, too much of it can make a person incredibly arrogant and stubborn. And all the more insecure...and easily suspicious of colleagues...and plain self-centered. A passage from Desiderata says, if you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. We can never be the best among the rest....the creamiest of the crop...it's just a stupid goal. To keep my feet on the ground and my head in its normal size, I constantly read the following excerpt from The Inner Life by Thomas a Kempis:

Everyone naturally desires knowledge, but of what use is knowledge itself without the fear of God?...Did I possess all knowledge in the world, but had no love, how would this help me before God, who will judge me by my deeds?... Restrain an inordinate desire for knowledge, in which is found much anxiety and deception. Learned men always wish to appear so, and desire recognition of their wisdom. But there are many matters, knowledge of which brings little or no advantage to the soul...
The more complete and excellent your knowledge, the more severe will be God's judgement on you, unless your life be the more holy. Therefore, do not be conceited of any skill or knowledge you may possess, but respect the knowledge that is entrusted to you. If it seems to you that you know a great deal and have wide
experience in many fields, yet remember that there are many matters of which you
are ignorant. So do not be conceited, but confess your ignorance. Why do you wish to esteem yourself above others, when there are many who are wiser and more perfect in the Law of God? If you desire to know or learn anything to your advantage, then take delight in being unknown and unregarded.
A true understanding and humble estimate of oneself is the highest and most valuable of all lessons. To take no account of oneself, but always to think well and highly of others is the highest wisdom and perfection.

Humility is something we should all aspire to have. It's very very difficult to not think highly of oneself. My desire to be truly and utterly humble is almost unachievable...and may even seem like I am falsely modest and self-righteous. It's just that when you think about it, in the long run, when you've achieved everything you've hoped for at the expense of others, you may find yourself unhappy. Being on top is a very lonely place to be in...and I don't ever want to be in that position ever.