carrels and anonymity

 Ninth floor stacks and the lights are mostly off. I walk along the bookshelves labeled with the "B" Library of Congress classification. The motion sensors overhead begin to sequentially turn on the lights along where I pass through. I notice a designated lockable carrel by the wall at the end of one aisle. It had floral decals and fake vegetation that festooned the inner walls. This person must be in a PhD program--that much homey-ness is likely for a long academic life. 

I didn't find a book worth borrowing--I still had 2 on loan from this library anyway. I have 3 loans from the public library. Will I finish any of those 5? Slim chance. Maybe. We'll see. 

I enjoy old libraries especially when rarely occupied, but I get a little spooked sometimes when I entertain my weird imagination. In those moments, I'd walk briskly towards the elevators and go to a more occupied floor. 

This particular library guard began to recognize me for being a frequent visitor. We wave hello or goodbye when I ingress or egress. I almost didn't have a choice when the first non-verbal acknowledgment happened, because I didn't want to be rude. A part of me wished that I remained unfamiliar and anonymous to this guard. I suppose it's much safer and less suspicious if guards were familiar with patrons, eh? Or it's customary to acknowledge regulars...I shouldn't over analyze.

Unchangeable

 I have a bit of social awkwardness or slight shyness that comes off as snobbish or maldita (a negative Tagalog term meaning 'mean girl'). I think it's my mean-looking arched eyebrows. But really, I'm likely overthinking what I should say to an acquaintance or how to greet someone familiar who clearly recognized me. I just know that there is at least a 75% chance that when I open my mouth, I will end up saying "blargehbleergh sorry garghblarghblargh ok bye" so I just end up pretending I'm blind, deaf, and mute. Unfortunately, I'm not as friendly as my husband who's always ready to make small talk and is equipped with all the appropriate friendly words and gestures that I do not possess. I probably missed so many opportunities of great friendships, but hey, I am in my forties and have accepted how difficult it is for me to form long-lasting friendships in adulthood, because I think I've found my gut friends when I was younger and building relationships take effort. Or maybe I've experienced many negative interactions in my life that I've become more suspicious and closed off. Not to say that I've chosen to be unchangeable. I think when things are meant to be, those things come easy, seamlessly, and enhance one's quality of life as opposed to being cumbersome responsibilities. 

John Williams is a genius

The algorithm of the interwebs has led me to orchestral performances of iconic John Williams film scores. My goodness, I felt all the feelings. Incredible. What a time to be alive...during the time of a living legend among the ranks of other renowned composers that ever lived.

Asceticism of the mind is hard...

...because my mind is the only place where I experience liberation. I imagine my physical self as an inanimate object: a wrist watch, for example. You know I'm functioning because the dials move as expected--it does what it's expected to do...what it ought to do. If one were able to peek through the innards of said wrist watch like the opening credits of Game of Thrones (which I honestly do not watch--just clips here and there), you will see vibrant machine activity. Only I know what those things are and this blog is the tip of the iceberg of what's going on up inside my cranial cavity. Majority of the conscious mental activity and thoughts are challenging to concretize via words or language. As I've become older, these things in my head have become ever more intense--whether involving some idea, emotion, or hypothetical circumstance. Nothing extraordinary is happening outside. I appear like I'm just randomly looking through my eyeballs. I may even be doing some manual labour or proper work. I could be listening to someone speaking and allow the mental activity to pause and receive the communication; perhaps, find a place for these foreign generated ideas and concepts inside my already moving internal machinery. Like trying to shoot ping pong balls inside a fast moving train. Ah, that is a perfect object for comparison too. How about a wrist watch with a perpetual bullet train deep inside the machinery? And I'm talking about an ordinary, affordable, reliable, unremarkable looking wrist watch. Like the Casio watch I wear. Hmm...

And so an indulgent mind can be difficult to temper. 

Have reserves

If you have a few minutes, I invite you to watch this uplifting video by a wise woman named Dee: https://youtu.be/p1x_h5xkRDk?si=Es1-MvEN4HEPHM3E

Dee has given us a lot to ponder today and so I end this post with the poem that she read at the beginning of her video...

"Dust if you must" by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better 
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and a life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there 
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Increased vertical distance

 

One Thursday afternoon about 2-ish. What a view. How about yourself? Things okay? Yeah? I'm pleased to say the same thus far. I took advantage of this view from a room where I had a meeting. I appreciated how different the buildings look like when viewed from the top. I'm usually one of those ant-looking folks you can see from the building reflections below and the perspective at that vantage point is obviously different. I also realized that there are risks when one is constantly exposed to this kind of view, because the usual details of life on the ground get pixelated and blurred. The sounds become muffled and muted until one becomes indifferent. Being blissfully ignorant all the time isn't ideal, isn't it?