my alter-ego begs to disagree

my actuality is conflicted. one advantage of the female psyche is being fickle which is, of course, a bane when it comes to retail. i shall embrace my reality. throw your tomatoes at me for being dramatic if you want, it'd be very good for my skin. *curtsy*

danger alert! danger alert!

I'm beginning to abhor men. Help me Lord. I'm starting to see them as a single unit like the cilia of paramecia or limbs of centipedes. Innumerable but the same. Except for Jesus, I'm starting to believe that they're ALL THE SAME. SOS! Danger alert! Mayday, mayday!

my previous post is idiosyncratic

tone down the self-centeredness my big rear.
i was still talking about myself and going towards the opposite end of being self-centered.
oh no no no, i do not want to be too liberal/rightist when it comes to my self-image.
i will attempt to avoid thinking too much about how i've been worse or better than anyone else.
that is hard, i tell you.
you try it....
not easy, eh?

but i will not submit to the whole "it's human nature" attitude.
that would be an insult to the Supreme Creator.
we're designed in an indescribably supernatural way, but i suppose we tend to undermine our capability to transcend from the frailty of the will.

the will.
it can be tempered.
with morality, ethics, the soul...it can be guided properly.
succumbing to ordinary tests of the will only makes us less than human.
we should "up the ante" of "Human Nature"
it is not human nature to give in to excessive pleasure
it is not human nature to embrace excessive pain
that is a direct attack on the essence of human nature (which i cannot fully define nor describe right now; it is there, it exists, it is present)

so do not, in any way, attempt to conjure counter-arguments to the premises of moral dogma
as a possible loophole to the moral code
any inkling of guilt that one tries to cover up with "i'm not harming anyone" is the initial presenting symptom of the frailty of the will

when you stumble and fall, is it not natural to rise up immediately?
isn't it abnormal to remain on the ground and say that "i'm not harming anyone?"
it would be even more abnormal to invite people to stumble and fall and embrace the floor with you.

hmmm.....

i agree; tone down the self-centeredness

I resolve to aim for a less self-centered approach to living. I will stop the "woe is me" attitude and begin the Athena/Atalanta mindset on things. On a leash of course. We don't want some mad Anna running around causing bloodshed everywhere. One step at a time. There's no need to rush...yeah, it's like learning to fly...just like that Jordin Sparks song.

Renoir's Woman Reading

christmas and my old soul

It is during Christmas when I experience temporary clarity and elation. Yes, elation. And you're probably going to say...'After all the quasi-poignant-bordering-on-schizophrenic posts? You are either seriously mental OR doing some psywar experiment!' Uhm, 80.5% mental, 15% psywar and 0.5% hungry. Going back to 'elation'...it's the whole cocktail of festive food, good apparel, reconnections, giving, cool climes and holiday tunes that leads to a feeling that is asymptotic to elation. Again, I would like to emphasize the inherent limitation of language when it comes to transforming abstract constructs into empirical, existential, tangible, generally comprehensible facts. Elation. Nostalgia. Slothful reminiscing. Contentment? Gleeful? Full. A prelude to happiness. Or the prelude to the prelude to happiness. Hmm.

when you deceive yourself

"What defines you is who you are when no one is looking..."

~Anna Wintour
And that, my friend, is the answer to your question.

everything has its season

'...life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend...' -the beatles

if i could have dinner with dead artists....

I would choose Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I think the three of us could be best friends. I really do.

Dali's "Burning Giraffe"

interpretations

Salvador Dali's Persistence of Memory...

Anna's interpretation of the same piece...

The scarred integument is highly fashionable in surreal art. That's my non-expert opinion.

and it has dawned on me

that God wants to distract me by sending, precisely that, distractions. seemingly valid confusions. and the devil sees it as an opportunity to tempt. but the Lord is good, Our Lady intercedes, the angel guards dutifully. i am not like you. i intend to take my revenge in the form of fidelity. of angry, resentful fidelity. because our competition is on who is the holier than thou person.

i wish this cafe would expand!

Click on the image above to go to the cafe website.

This local bakeshop sells really good desserts and rolls, but it's commonly encountered as a stall at malls. Luckily, there's this mall near where I work that actually has a cafe and they also serve spectacular pasta and sandwiches. Understated elegance, really. And the tables have small personalized notes...the whole ambiance is very rustic and relaxing despite the open arrangement. I've eaten there many times and the service and food never ever failed to impress and satisfy.

when you are put in a box

I couldn't blame that friend who took his life last Sep8. I'm not justifying his decision to commit suicide. My life isn't mine and taking it would be stealing. It's just that people perceive him to be a straight,simple, and funny person who was always there when you needed him. Probably, when he tried to reveal his problems, he was just ignored or thought of as silly. That's what I've been feeling for decades. When I start to divulge, people and family tell me that I'm fabricating what I feel or that I'm assuming things or I'm being silly or I need to pray some more. I've taken advice. I've tried to tune out. I've practiced nonchalance, passive resistance, I pray, I cry, I watch comedy. But people don't understand. That's why I just keep it in. I learned that I don't need people. I've learned to absorb criticism by the bulk. Especially the kind that says that I have absolutely no right to feel low and that I should feel lucky. I've heard that so many times. But I know how to deal with that. I have means of venting. And I developed into a very quiet robot.

a self-portrait

--- the Panzerschreck of pinpricks
have trained and formed the resilient
but when the cup overflows
it is but natural to succumb to vulnerability
until it is emptied and becomes ready
for another bombardment ---

"Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded --with what caution --with what foresight --with what dissimulation I went to work!"
- Edgar Allan Poe, The Tell-Tale Heart

a little chipped but still whole

when you are negatively judged because you have certain things that other people desire, you learn to emotionally protect yourself by practicing some sort of poker face/ wednesday adams kind of demeanor.

when they deliberately tell you in your face that you don't deserve something for reasons including: you're ugly, you didn't deserve the thing, etc etc, you learn to become a piece of immovable rock that is programmed to smile and nod your head.

when, for years, people thought that you gave that something a hard time or was bad to that something....having no idea whatsoever of the truth, which you needed to protect otherwise the present wouldn't happen...you learn to repress everything and cry in your lonesome.

i never looked for that something.
i didn't pursue that something.
i didn't rub it in on anyone about that something.

and all people see is how, until now, i didn't deserve that something.

you know how damaging that is? very damaging. it leaves scars.

but you know what?
yes, i'm uglier than you.
yes, you and that something probably look good together.
but i have bad news for you: the universe is on my side.
why?

because i never made anyone feel ugly.
because i never paraded whatever i had to anybody.
because that something was treated in the best way possible all these years.
why do you think that something would stay in the first place?

so you can scream all you want and doodle on my picture or whatnot.
call me ugly.
but hey, whatever your hang ups are...i'm sorry for you.

good luck you all.
i've been hit with so many things, i'm calloused and numbed.
desensitized, actually.
hmmm...
now that i think about it, i'm more like rubber.
i only bounce back whatever you throw at me.
burn me and you're the bad guy for ruining the environment.

i am best left alone to do what i'm supposed to do.

children and the environment

...are meant to be loved, nurtured and respected.

I am strongly against any action that mars the dignity of children and the environment.