Yeah, it's the journey

We've heard the phrase "It's not the destination, it's the journey" a zillion times and I must say that I absolutely agree that the journey matters more. I suppose it's human nature to pine for what you do not have and it does become a form of motivation for many. Value or worth is directly proportional to non-ownership. For example, you've been wanting to buy this specific car and so you've been saving up for it. You've checked all the reviews and are convinced that it's the one you want and you must must must have it. Everyday you think about it and you imagine yourself driving it and being all happy and satisfied. And then that day comes when you finally have it. In a few days or months, it becomes less and less exciting. It may even be the cause of problems like car trouble and unpredictable gas prices.

So in many ways, God really intends for us to not have what we want....sometimes even what we need. Not out of spite, not for fun, not because God is a sadist. But because He is a genius. Because He wants to emphasize the point of living and being human. That the whole journey is His gift. It's something we will never be able to completely rationalize. So, thank you God. It's still hazy, but it's becoming a bit comprehensible to me now.

The most important things are the hardest things to say...words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. -Stephen King

today's motto

'Duty, honor and country.' No, I have no plans of enlisting in the army though I may not be culture-shocked by the whole obedience thing. I would like to honk my own horn by saying that I have been obedient these past 27 years. 'Half blind' obedience. I will not expound further but that's that. I am guilt-free right now and that makes it easy to bear. Another tip for you: when it all becomes tough to carry, close your eyes and have a party with the sandman. Always works for me. *double wink*

on wisdom

"The art of wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook."
-William James, The Principles of Psychology

This past week went by like a long, strenuous cramp. Luckily, a friend gave me an opportunity to watch a band/orchestral performance last night that sort of served as a shot of anesthetic that abruptly ended the aforementioned cramp. And since it's a long weekend, I decided to catch up on my reading.

I recently read Stephen Hall's essay entitled The Older-and-Wiser Hypothesis, which is featured in The Best American Science Writing 2008. Many psychologists and scientists have conducted research related to wisdom and how it is associated with aging or with life perceptions. It really is another abstract concept like love. But what I've learned from Hall's article is that wisdom involves a general positive outlook, emotional balance or control, and resilience when facing adversity. A Gandhi/Yoda-like sense of calmness or serenity, which one acquires after going through different life experiences mostly involving tragedy or sadness. Like being repeatedly hit on the arm with a stick until pain receptors no longer feel pain.

Young people, such as adolescents, tend to highlight the negative which has been associated with an overactive amydgala. Wise people present low activity in their amygdalas, but a highly active prefrontal cortex. So, based on my self-assessment, I need to tone down my amygdala. On a positive note, I believe that I have stepped on the road to wisdom when I say that I have been practicing emotional balance.

How the heck do I mean by emotional balance?

The advantage of thinking constantly is that you also feel a mixture of emotions. Mixed emotions are better than an extreme of a single emotion, you know what I mean? As a useful tip, dear reader, while thinking and feeling make sure that you savor the experience. The first stage is always an inexplicable yearning for something that could only be supplied externally. Let it pass. After a while, you realize that the whole process is already fulfilling. It's further proof (proof is becoming a favorite word) of your existence and how alive you are. And that your neurons are working properly.

I call it cognitive shopping. Think and feel what you want. Cheap (in terms of ATP) and environmentally friendly. And you can do it right under everyone's noses. Of course, the 'poker face' needs training.

note taking

Art is the stylized & perceptible expression of man's consciousness and sense of life. Primarily, Art must be the tangible or observable version of human concepts; independent; most of all, it is not a repetition of something concrete that already exists. Art is not stylized matter captured in a picture. I get it now. Thanks Ayn Rand. I really get it now. So music is definitely art.

The origin

No matter what, we are all propelled by our own fuzzy version of "love." Look at Vincent Frankenstein, Romeo & Juliet, Eponine. To be the antithesis of Machiavelli, in these instances: the means justifies the end. Or maybe the "end" is irrelevant to begin with. Perhaps, the "means" is irrelevant as well. Or simply put, all "means" and "ends" were fruits of a common origin. A singular big bang of something so forceful (such as love)---a cause that must lead to an effect. Similarly (sort of), Ayn Rand mentioned in her 'Romantic Manifesto' that the goal of art is not to communicate...the goal of art is art itself. So love, in the purest sense of the word, is self-sustaining and enough. Whatever comes off of it are just proofs of its existence and power. Like sun rays being emitted by the sun.

blue moon, rare occasion

I am angry. Very angry. Buttons have been pushed real hard tonight. My breathing is staggard. I'm constantly reciting this in my head: 'feel what you want, control what you do.' My threshold of anger is extremely high, meaning to say, yeah, this one's bad.

ssshhh damn butterflies XD

Oh wow, there are days when you just get up and just start to grin like you've never grinned before! I'm obviously inspired and excited! Or maybe I just woke up from an intergalactic fantabulous dream that I can't recall whatsoever.

The point is, I'm HAPPY today and I will relish the feeling for as long as I can.

(~_^)

One in a million chance

These past few weeks is a compilation of stories involving mothers getting sick or passing away. And earlier today I visited my dermatologist friend who is trying to cope with her mom's affliction with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, which is a rare prion disorder infecting the brain. And while she was treating my face, she kept on asking how I coped with my mom's degeneration and eventual death. On hindsight, it was a bit funny because I couldn't stop my tears, not really because of my friend's story, but because the chemical peel and comedone extraction were excruciating.

The truth is, I couldn't give her a crystal clear answer because I really have no idea how I was able to go through my mom's illness and death and still turn out sane (or at least relatively sane). I guess the 'coping mechanism' isn't really something that has a formula. But it is advantageous to have someone else understand how confused you are when facing a situation that needs coping.

chopsuey of ideas

Silence of the mind
Simplicity of the soul
Serenity of the heart

...as mentioned by a priest during a homily for my friend who recently passed away due to pregnancy complications. I wish I had her peace. Her selflessness and willingness to give up her life for the sake of her child's survival. I wish I were a better mother. I wish I were a better person.

I wish my mind were really silent. It's filled with many useless anxieties.
I wish my soul were simple and not too idealistic in a negative sense.
I wish my heart were serene and not tumultuous.

<----->

I just got promoted at work. I know I should be ecstatic and all, but I feel a bit heavy. It feels burdensome. It's the never-ending struggle to be good.

<----->

A friend told me that I'm probably an introverted people-pleaser. I suppose so. I can get along with different types of people and probably have learned to adapt to varied personalities, but there are only a handful of people I can call 'gut' friends. Honestly, I fear that my real self may drive people away. Or maybe I find it difficult to trust people? So I'd rather avoid trust issues by not revealing too much of myself? The point is, I would much rather be ignored and unregarded. And sometimes attention is really uncomfortable.

pre-brain damage

I realized that the thinking process cannot be shut down especially if it has been "on" for a really long time. I also realized that if the thinking process is becoming too overbearing and has seeped into the feeling process, the only solution is to divert the thinking process to something more bearable.

Like eating something sweet after munching forever on something salty--such as corn nuts. The point is, you don't have to stop eating. Simply because munching forever on corn nuts can be destructive...to teeth...to jaw muscles. And although the act of eating is primal and necessary and integral to one's survival, it may become potentially impairing. And dangerous.

Once again, I am stuck in this road less-traveled. The road of excessive examination. Of life. Not necessarily mine. Life. Existence. The "whys". It's really bothersome. Why can't I just be interested in normal day-to-day activities like...breathing? Or obsessing about...I dunno, getting on the waitlist of a designer bag? I dunno.

Anxiety Attack

So many responsibilities; I'm hyperventilating.
Anxiety attack; more like a panic attack.
Semicolon addiction.

Acting like a cheerleader is difficult when you're naturally melancholic.
I have the urge to stare into the distance while the Titanic theme plays in the background.
Or I could just sob it all out in the shower.
I should give myself an acting award.

Drama, drama, drama.

WITHDRAWAL!

Oh for the love of our dear Lord, I have been going nuts trying to connect to Twitter and Facebook! Something is terribly wrong. Site maintenance simultaneously going on? I am shaking and biting my nails and presenting all those psychopathic symptoms of 'status update' withdrawal. And there's a fickle Typhoon hovering over the country and taunting us all with false hopes of class suspensions and such.

I.need.to.tweet.somebody.hit.me.

on addictions: you wouldn't be interested

All for my personal reference and just because I feel like reminding myself how I'm becoming more and more prone to becoming unhealthily fixated on being fixated.

In no particular order, presenting....

• Double shots of caffeine
• Twitter
• Blogging
• Wireless Fidelity
  
• Nature Valley Oats & Honey Granola Bars
• Wasabi-flavored chips
• Kissing my little boy (not unhealthy, of course)
  
• Facebook status updates
• Straightening irons
• iPod shuffle
• Pining in general
• Handwashing
  

on maternal death

I deliberately avoided news related to the death of former Philippine president Corazon Aquino, except for local news tweets (for the sake of being updated). It's just too close to home. And I cannot believe that I am about to say that I can relate too much with Kris Aquino, the late president's youngest child.

Being witness to my mother's struggle with cancer (brain metastasis) up to her last breath...even prior to being embalmed up until she was buried is...incommunicable. It is, by far, the greatest pivot point of my life. My general outlook about existence was influenced by that series of events.

I am literally in tears while typing this post. I miss my mother so much it really hurts.

i missed criminal minds

I had to catch up with all the season 4 episodes I missed. I would like to double quote (Dr. Reid quoted Stephen King) the last few lines of the episode I just saw a couple of minutes ago (where the male unsub has a female alter ego):

...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

Pretty freaky passage. Then again, that's Stephen King for you. The same guy who said that he's the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries. Truly, the unconventional and seemingly strange persons are the most interesting. I would love to engage in conversation with that man---that is, if he'd consider me worth the company.