it's raining serenity and vanity (updated)

I recently rearranged my remote workstation so that I have a better view of the outside if I wanted to give myself a visual break. I've used the same general area in the past for a similar purpose but it was temporary. The current iteration is more settled. 

It's raining right now and what I see outside is a combination of various shades of green, some moving vehicles, and the steady pouring rain. There are occasions in my life when the rain isn't as dreadful and melancholy; and this is one of those situations. Largely attributable to the fact that I'm indoors and partly because I took time to move and care for my physical self a few times today as a way of reframing my day-to-day priorities. 

Included in the daily self-care that I resolve to practice is to ensure that my face isn't frowning when in a neutral state. No resting female dog face, if you will. It's silly, vain and the truth--I am being deliberately silly and vain. I do not want to develop a non-clinical droopy face. The kind that spreads the contagion of grumpiness.

By your lonesome, smile and see how it instantly changes your mood. If you want to do it around people, go ahead, just make sure you're ready with some explanation when someone nosy starts to ask why you're smiling. Happy problem.

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Update: A holiday long weekend is coming up and I took a ‘float day’ tomorrow to start the celebration by spending time out-of-town in a historic city by the water. Cheers to the summer, R&R, audiobooks, magazines, caffeinated and decaffeinated beverages, and an ocular vacation. 

  

 

"frenzied hurly-burly…"

 

attribution free image from Pexels

The title of today's post is from the classic song "Can we just stop and talk awhile" by Jose Mari Chan, which I enjoy because of its retro simplicity. There are many times when I find myself wanting to “…get away from the grey and frenzied hurly-burly of the city life.”

I am writing this as part of an ongoing hypothetical conversation, which I realized was a unilateral discourse with the idea of a conversation partner in my head. Not far from playing chess/cards/checkers/tic-tac-toe with oneself, yet not the same as having a split personality or alter ego--indulge me. Unfortunately, the freshness of this idea is obviously short-lived...only my current mind knows what I'm referring to at this period in time and there's a chance that in the years to come, I will have absolutely no idea what this is about. Perhaps, I’m wrong and this develops. Let's carry on.

The main concepts are things I’ve entertained previously in my head: the butterfly effect and string theory. Disclaimer: I don't fully comprehend these concepts (I endeavour to), but have the basics for a non-expert conversation. At least, a hypothetical discourse. 

Now that I am older, I have become friends with my gut feeling. Whereas in the past, I would shush it with my biased rationality or shame. Shameful of giving power to the inexplicable visceral feeling in my gut, when in fact, it is that amazing gift that guides and protects. 

My gut might tell me that there is something amiss. 

My gut may inform me that something is worthwhile.

My gut may even cause me to check on something randomly and then by following its direction, I am instantaneously saved from some awkward or unsafe situation.

Acting upon my gut feeling has probably caused various cascades of events that have led me to this point right here. Things are neither absolutely random nor predestined, methinks. Blended to a ratio. And so, I have to ask rhetorically (unfortunately), what is the purpose of this discourse? Is it truly unilateral? Is it the subconscious attempt to entertain myself? Regardless…I’m grateful. It’s nice to engage in these kinds of other-dimensional patterns of thinking. Great exercise. There is that hope that it’s not all in my head, because some things are too coincidental.

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Today marks the completion (final session) of my 1.5 years of therapy including an integrative phase followed by EMDR. I rarely write factual, “dear diary” stuff here but it may be worth remembering this day for me. Especially since mental health predicaments tend to be stigmatized in the culture in which I was raised. It is typical for persons in my culture to say “kulang ka sa dasal (you don’t pray enough)“, “wala naman ganyan noong unang panahon (that didn’t exist back in the day)”, or much worse: “arte lang ‘yan (that’s just being dramatic)”, when you admit to having feelings of anxiety or depression. 

I have reached that age when I resolve to cut the negative intergenerational ways of thinking for the benefit of my children. There is strength in knowing one’s limitations and it is brave to admit that help is needed. I felt that in my case, an objective professional was ideal.

During my final session this afternoon, I mentioned that I was imagining myself holding on to a piece of paper representing that traumatic memory/event that I just processed fully, putting it in a manila folder, and inserting said folder in a filing cabinet. Closed. It’s done. It happened, but let’s archive this. Not the type of archiving action such as in a container exercise…I don’t have to go back to it. Even if I did, it wouldn’t cause some emotion to come up. It has been processed and is simply for record keeeping. Maybe it could be disposed after a few years just like how certain types of research data are discarded after a set number of years after completion of the project. Something like that.

So cheers to us! As we navigate through existence aboard al dente spaghetti-like strings…let us flow through life in parallel, asymptotically, or maybe when fate is being cheeky—in entangled yet organized chaos.

*curtsy*

me, a geriatric millenial/xennial

MySpace facts, I quote tweeted. And this blogger page is another HTML DIY…not from scratch, rather a fiddling under the hood, if you will. 😄

smoked

 …more like “Of smoky climes and smoggy skies”. Let us hope for the best and pray for our frontline firemen who are doing their utmost to control the wildfires in North America. Staying indoors is probably the most pragmatic thing to do. I have been looking at real-time media posts about the status of the air—that thing that is crucial to our survival yet we always take for granted. I thought of that line from Lord Byron’s poem above. I initially couldn’t remember the exact title nor the context of the poem, but I remember that line because I made a tune out of it in the past. For a high school project? During high school when I was bored?…I forgot. But “🎶of cloudless climes and starry skies…” was imprinted in my memory. Wishing for less eerie climes, for sure.

Closing this post with The Platters’ “Smoke gets in your eyes” 😄

“Not for merit but as acknowledgment”

 

I do not know who David Hughes is, but I am thankful that this person for posting in 2018 about the film “About Time” that I only saw last night. I was searching for an image for this particular post and saw the webpage above with a picture of the scene that caused me to sob noisily/ ugly-cry with happiness-ish when I watched it. As I type these specific words, I’m trying to change the mental pictures I currently have on active display in my head so that I don’t end up with blurry vision because of tears. I enjoyed the film very much—such a wonderful story and it really had an emotional effect on me. The film is filled with life lessons (despite a fantasy aspect in the storyline) and I urge you to experience it if you are able to.

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The title of this post was something that the visiting priest mentioned during his homily this morning. It’s the feast of the Holy Trinity—the mystery of one God in three persons: the Father who loves, the beloved Son, and the Holy Spirit which is Love. Very difficult to understand yet it is something that can be felt. You can roll your eyes if you find that cringey and I shall respond with a shrug. Anyway, the priest mentioned that we go to church not to merit God’s love, but to acknowledge God’s unconditional love for us and show our gratefulness. Whether we like it or not, God loves us. Despite our imperfections. Despite our feebleness…our self-centeredness…our sinfulness.

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A nice closing track for this post is Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days are Over”—a happy-sad-triumphant-bittersweet tune. Anthemic. This track happens to be the final accompanying song in the latest Guardians of the Galaxy film which I had the pleasure of seeing at the cinema. Honestly, the person(s) in-charge of this series’s soundtracks…genius taste. Very grateful for them. 😄 Happy Sunday. Hope you are well, cheers.