Strange algorithm

It's Sunday evening and last night, when I was passing the time on the internet, the algorithm invited me to two ghost-themed topics: the film Ghosted and the Appalachian Mountains. I saw the film Ghosted when it was released about 3 years ago and enjoyed it very much. The plot was absolutely outrageous and hilarious and I enjoyed all the little symbolic details and dialogue. I forgot which short reel I clicked on IG, which likely prompted the algorithm to show me similar videos. Interestingly, the algorithm also showed a couple of videos about eerie things or things that one should not do when one is on the Appalachian Mountains. I'm easily scared about things like that, but like a moth to a flame, I kept on watching related spooky videos until I got really sleepy. Luckily, I didn't have a bad dream. But I did have a dream. Like most dreams, I've forgotten the majority of it, but that it was a long dream and involved characters and conversation. I'll end with the Psychedelic Furs: "Inside you the time moves and she don't fade."

Sleep lessons

Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay

I’m reading Fast Asleep by Dr. Michael Mosley, and the “Challenging Your Thoughts” section on page 100 resonated with me. Like many others, I have thoughts that surface before I go to bed (or throughout the day), and these affect my sleep. Dr. Mosley suggests a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, which I've actually gone through when I had therapy years ago. The author suggests that we challenge the thoughts that run through our minds. For example, if my current thought is on worrying about sleeping late and its implications the next day, I can challenge that thought by telling myself that I will eventually go to sleep like I always do, and it's going to be fine. Dr. Mosley further suggests that these forms of negative thinking are long-term patterns and if one needed to do it effectively, a professional therapist could be consulted. 

Last night, I wasn't worried nor did I have any difficulty sleeping. In fact, on the couch while watching a YouTube video of an orchestra with my family, my eyes started to become very heavy, and I went to bed shortly after. I don't attribute the sleepiness to the video, but the stressors last week that bled to the early part of this week. These unchallenged stressors became mental overload. I need to consciously challenge any unnecessary ideas that would result in physical exhaustion. After weathering that storm and clearing the major items from my mind, my body seemed to say, “Alright, she’s not in crisis mode anymore--time to repair and recharge.” I’m writing now as part of that maintenance process--and also because I had a vivid dream last night about an artist I admire who, while walking away, glanced back and said something poignant to me. So, thanks for the feedback loop, subconscious, I'm hanging up the phone now. To end this post, I'm sharing these nostalgic songs--the first one I heard at a Home Depot last weekend, and the other a reminder of my younger years and that the great indoors could be one's mind.

Further self-examination

I just saw a short clip of Amy Poehler and Claire Danes where they mentioned that they have the same enneagram: 8. So I became curious and tried to find out mine: 5. Last week, I determined my dominant female archetype(s): a tie across lover, creator, and mystic. I already knew since years ago that my personality is INFJ. So, I then took the short form of the Big Five IPIP test which is scientifically validated. The comprehensive report can be summarized as extroversion=low, agreeableness=average, conscientiousness=high, neuroticism=average, openness to experience=high. I fed all this information to a chatbot that also stated that I'm strongly melancholic-phlegmatic in temperament. Furthermore, aforementioned chatbot provided the following summary: introverted by energy (not shy), high in inner structure and responsibility, emotionally deep but contained, ethical not sentimental, creative inwardly cautious outwardly, anxious in anticipation calm in action. That I favor preparation over participation, understanding over exposure, control over momentum. I'm studying this as an iteration of a self-analysis based on additional data. There are consistencies...objectively. Subjectively, I have doubts or maybe I disagree?  

I tried to continue a diary, where my last entry was in 2010. I browsed some pages and was certain that I was a completely different person then. In fact, one entry that involved 3 pages was so bad and unnecessary, I tore it to pieces and dumped it in the garbage. It was an unhelpful entry that nobody else, not even myself, should read nor recall. That's an example in which I'm not sentimental. Our prime minister recently stated in a very important speech that nostalgia is not strategy. Further, chatbot proposed that my internal rule is "If it's complete, it doesn't need to be preserved." That it's not cold, it's clean. Hmm, I don't know how I feel about that. So I prompted the chatbot, "like a Vulcan, eh?", to which the chatbot disagreed. It then went on a verbose oration that included the following: "Emotion honored, but subordinated...emotional, with logical sovereignty...a Vulcan with a rich inner life." *opens my imaginary Regency period fan, covers the bottom part of my face and starts gently fanning*, well that's the kind of flattering words I like to hear. Well done me and my effective prompts. Hah! 

A quarter of this century already?

Where has time gone? I think that my perspective of time is wildly distorted because of the speed in which technology developed and continues to develop during my lifetime. I feel that 1975 to 2000 was a bigger interval compared to 2000 to 2025. Maybe it's the illusion given by 19xx compared to 20xx? Additionally, I feel ironic. I'm old yet I'm young. For the 1975-2000 era, I'm surely old...but in the current 2000-2025 era, I'm still young-ish? Maybe it's how I'm aging during a time of impactful medical discoveries so that while I'm aging, life expectancy is also being prolonged? And I have this ongoing internal conflict about presence and anonymity, whereby I'm constantly trying to be in that sweet spot of protecting my valuable privacy, but at the same time maintain a digital presence to also preserve my identity and credibility. 

I initially started to write this blogpost a few days ago while at a USPS office somewhere in the garden state to accompany family for an appointment, but decided to delete the draft because I was distracted and forgot the point of what I meant to post (I'm back home now). I remember that I was about to embed a Youtube video of a rendition of Please Mister Postman. I like that song, especially the versions by the Carpenters and the Beatles. But wouldn't it be weird to just randomly post that song without meaningful context? Oh you think it's fine? I suppose you're right. It IS the season of Spotify Wrapped, after all. Speaking of which, my top song was a gregorian chant, my top album was a film soundtrack, my topmost artists were John Barry, Hans Zimmer, and John Mayer, and my listening age is 60. Suffice to say that my auditory interests have become idiosyncratic and lean towards more melody and fewer words. Maybe that's just a 2025 thing. Visual arts-wise (most recent), I thoroughly enjoyed the newest Knives Out film. I saw the Dan Brown inspired Inferno film and rewatched The Deathly Hallows 2 and Wrath of the Titans, because those were cool films. Current order of business before the year ends? Read a book or two. We'll see. 

nourish yourself against dark imaginings

 Overwhelmed...I thought to share the section of the poem Desiderata that provides some comfort:

"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

Many times I'm tired, hungry, and/or thirsty on top of whatever it is that I need to do or am going through. I think my cheeseburger helped. Cheers.

"Lead, Kindly Light."

My Thursday involved back-to-back meetings and I was relieved by lunchtime when I was able to spend part of it in quiet meditation and then mass. The priest quoted part of St. John Henry Newman's poem, and I'm sharing it here below:

Lead, Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom,

Lead Thou me on;

The night is dark, and I am far from home,

Lead Thou me on.

Keep Thou my feet;

I do not ask to see the distant scene;

one step enough for me.

Burnout is imminent. Are you in that zone too? If yes, let us acknowledge our exhaustion and rest our minds for a while from thinking about our bottomless to-do lists. I just had a small bite-sized Cadbury fruit and nut chocolate bar as a treat. That may be my favorite chocolate (or among my topmost), mainly because I remember that my late mother liked it (aside from Nestle Crunch, which I may have written about before). It's delicious, of course, but I like that when I consume it, I'm sort of sending a silent shoutout to my mother. She was intelligent, beautiful, feisty, funny, humble, and a really good mother. I feared her, but I depended on her. I just had my birthday on the Feast of St. Thérèse of Lisieux and I've officially outlived my mother. I realized just how young she was when she passed--a temporal landmark for me. I feel that I'm currently experiencing a milestone in life. I didn't have a huge celebration, but we did get Japanese takeout and a panna cotta cake from this French bakery that I've been curious to try. Unfortunately, said cake taught me that dairy sensitivity can be developed later in life. I digress. Oh, in birthday-related news, my husband and I gifted ourselves with musical instruments during the recent Long & McQuade used equipment sale. My husband's birthday preceded mine by a month and he was really planning on getting that acoustic bass for quite some time. The classical guitar I got is an impulse purchase triggered by midlife crisis. 

That's it for today's rambling about Life. Now that I'm at this temporal landmark, I'm grateful to see as far as the next step. I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me.

What's in the light box (updated!)

Image Source

I wonder what's it like to be at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) Light Box? Last weekend, I saw on the official TIFF IG that there are promotional booths--even coffee? Would 30-40mins be sufficient to briefly explore, say on a Monday? Why am I asking the etherwebs (Get it? Ether: Air, Webs: short for Interweb or Internet)? This is a continuation of my last post and I am bracing myself during this calm before the storm at work. So how's Hospital Row? I had to return a super heavy textbook that I borrowed from our centre's library. A nice conducive nook on the nth floor. Here I am just releasing a big shout in a huge cave, waiting to see of the echo goes somewhere and eventually nowhere. I will let the weather decide for me. Have a good rest of the week, cyber people.

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Update: I got merch!

Incredible difference in the atmosphere between the whole north side of Queen St. and south of it all the way to the festival area. The weather was nice today so the lunch break walk was comfortable--slightly warm when the sun hits. I chanced upon a pop-up store of festival merchandise that is adjacent to the Princess of Wales Theatre where there were a few cameras, lanyard-wearing official people, patrons wearing their own VIP lanyards, and some large heavily tinted SUVs and vehicles around. I think I faded well into the hustle and bustle. I'm glad I had my TIFF membership card on my e-wallet, which was required for any purchase, and I got the gray hat I am flexing above. It was on display and the last piece of that particular design. The girl at the counter said that they may have more on their main store (I do not know where it was). 

Honestly, I don't know anything about the layout of the festival. I was hoping to find the Lavazza stall I saw online. I did see a bunch of other nice eating spots, but I only designated a few minutes for myself before heading back north. Fortunately, now I know where the Scotiabank Theatre is, because that's where I'll be this weekend. How exciting!

I learned about TIFF from a more senior colleague who retired a few years ago. She loved films and was likely a higher-tier member. I didn't understand the concept at that time, and I still don't. I suppose it's like being a member of a scientific community and the annual meeting is the festival. The programming is very much like a conference where multiple films are like parallel sessions. In time, I will better understand. 

Surface Interval

Photo Source

As I ascend toward the surface after a lengthy dive session, I am wide-eyed with anticipation at the idea of breathing fresh air.

It has been either brain-draining/mind-bending work, back-to-back social activities with friends and kin, and an uplifting pilgrimage at a sacred site out of town--and this brief reprieve feels so good. Of course, there are still ongoing day-to-day things to do, but the major ones are done thus far. While it sounds like I consider myself as some kind of machine that's meant to produce n amounts of output--well, I think some folks consider me as a machine that's meant to produce n amounts of output. I'm sure I'm wrong and that this is me attempting to debrief or decompress (a term I've encountered online, which some folks use to describe what they do at the end of a stressful day...lying in the fetal position with catatonic eyes). Let's just say a large amount of things were done in a short period of time. I'm on low battery mode and I'm draining the last bit of energy here before I fully recharge. Like cutting a bottle of lotion in half and scooping out the scraps of product at the bottom of the container that cannot be accessed by the dip tube.

So here I enumerate some things that are top of mind...

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I joined that film festival thing for a year and I planned on getting tickets to certain films, unfortunately, all were sold out! To those with higher tier memberships! Understandably, the films I targeted were big-name movies and I was looking forward to possibly seeing certain persons, but it wasn't meant to be. Luckily, I managed to get tickets for a Sunday screening near the end of the festival. It's for a South Korean film that is competing in one of the awards. My first foray into film festivals and it's exciting! I'll try to make the most of the membership and see other films throughout the year.

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I am rekindling my piano playing--with an 88-key electronic keyboard, which is the only thing that I have access to right now. And I'm playing for my brain. To strengthen the connections that are now weak. 

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Here we are. Achy in certain parts, both figuratively and literally, but that's okay. We're okay. 

A long, strange trip

You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician.
(Sherlock Holmes, The Sign of Four, as quoted from Chapter 1 - Probability Theory, Statistical Inference 2nd Ed. by Casella & Berger)

I am not a listener of the Grateful Dead like many fellow John Mayer listeners (I consider myself an undergraduate in the field compared to full fledged fans), but I was surprised to see the following first paragraph from the above text book's preface:

Although Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is responsible for most of the quotes in this book, perhaps the best description of the life of this book can be attributed to the Grateful Dead sentiment, "What a long, strange trip it's been."
(Casella & Berger)

A long, strange trip--an apropos description of where I am; where we are. Surely, there are stranger moments in human history filled with unimaginable circumstances that we only read or watch today from recorded material. Nonetheless, this is the unique case in which most (if not all) humans contribute to historical documentation, even up to the minute. Good luck to our future historians and their AI assistants. 

Despite the provocative posts I recently uploaded, filled with emotion and frustration--and without full consideration of the sentiments of this tiny cyber nook's readership--I think it's worthwhile to add a bit of a digital 'mindprint'. I know I should say digital footprint like a trail. The kinds of trails we leave behind are mostly from our heads, isn't it? What an extremely precious ability, this is. To have thoughts and opinions and be able to concretize it akin to the way artists interpret life. I hope that with the incredible technological acceleration we are currently experiencing and enjoying today, no massively destructive man-made event will potentially cause us to end up like the creatures from H.G. Wells's "Time Machine", where instead of advanced development, the future humans are primitive-like and have become divided into naive surface creatures and sinister underworld dwellers...another text that you may be interested in reading.

when it is ad hominem, dispose as refuse

 I wish I could find this internet thing that says something about wishing for a break from historical human events. Like Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook, I have deactivated my Twitter account--after 15 years. It has become filled with bots and trolls and has decreased in trustworthiness. It has become a space of anarchy and utter disrespect. And the strategy of mass repetition of a statement or certain statements is obviously a form of conditioning--like hypnotism. New age folks could describe it as filled with dark energy, and I could only describe it as diabolical...filled with demons. (YouTube is becoming the same...the political ads and comments)

I just grabbed a copy of C.S. Lewis's 'The Screwtape Letters' (published in 1942) where Screwtape, "...a senior tempter in the service of 'Our Father Below'," corresponds with his nephew Wormwood, "...a novice demon in charge of securing the damnation of an ordinary young man." In one of his letters, Screwtape advises Wormwood: "Let him begin by treating the Patriotism or the Pacifism as a part of his religion. Then let him, under the influence of partisan spirit, come to regard it as the most important part. Then quietly and gradually nurse him on to the stage at which the religion becomes merely part of the 'cause', in which Christianity is valued chiefly in favour of the British war-effort or of Pacifism...Once you have made the World an end, and faith a means, you have almost won your man, and it makes very little difference what kind of worldly end he is pursuing. Provided that meetings, pamphlets, policies, movements, causes, and crusades, matter more to him than prayers and sacraments and charity, he is ours--and the more 'religious' (on these terms) the more securely ours. I could show you a pretty cageful down here..."

Cue this famous children's rhyme: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me." 

We have to be careful, friends. It's Lent and I am struggling mentally and spiritually. My tendency to harbour a certain amount of anger and ill-will as a result of exposure to noisy information is among the many things I need to pray for. Compels mortification.

When my father was alive, his work later became associated with an authoritarian. At that time, my father's brilliance and behind-the-scenes efforts contributed to the unfortunate rise of this aforementioned figure. He alreay had terminal stage cancer then, but probably felt that he needed to achieve this goal. We supported his cause. Some of my peers had doubts, but since we vouched for this figure (but I did not vote due to geography), then they indicated support. A year later, my father succumbed to his affliction. A terrible political milieu followed and continues to occur even after new leadership. The thing is, to others, I have already been associated with these set of events. My father didn't experience (and likely didn't expect) the degree of negative (terrible) turn out that happened after his death. What a field day for anyone who didn't (and still don't) like me, eh? 

Let's examine ourselves. Is there something or someone that just rubs us the wrong way? We have no direct connection to this thing or this person, but we're just repelled? Maybe because this thing or person represents the opposite of how we identify ourselves. Then schadenfreude. Anything that reduces this thing or humiliates this person, (whether secretly or overtly) elates us? Yes to all questions? We have to hit the brakes, before we spiral into a never ending and vicious cycle of judgment and disdain. Next thing we know, we just added a potential winning point for the enemy below. A point for team Screwtape and Wormwood.

It's tricky. Everyday and every second. Let's ask for help. Let's help ourselves. God help us. God help me. Kyrie eleison. There are terrible external threats to our souls, but one insidious enemy that we have to be aware of is our own self-sabotaging tendencies. 

We can do this. 

"Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees"

Image Source (Pexels)

Overt abuse of power and transgressive leadership are tolerated by supporters who assume that such behaviour is justified for the sake of group or identity advancement (interesting link to a scientific paper here). People identify themselves as belonging to a particular coordinate within the left-right political spectrum and/or cardinal directions (north, south, east, west). And once the decision has been made, it becomes a package deal. It doesn't matter that the figurehead is morally corrupt, as long as the group or platform that this figurehead represents wins. Dishonorable. Unfortunately, non-support for this group is assumed to be support for the opposite extreme, where one may also find similar kinds of moral corruption.

I think the drastic difference between the present time and earlier periods in human history is driven by access to information. The caveat is its overabundance, a substantial amount of which are non-informative noise--primarily aimed at provoking human emotion. Because when the stimulus is strong enough and the emotions are unleashed, the source of the non-informative noise wins by creating a chain reaction. Either geared towards magnifying a particular sentiment or by just creating chaos. 

We are in the process of an election and I'm glad to have been able to vote early. Hoping for good results for my country (my province)--my country that is not the topic of my rant above about another young country that is a jigsaw puzzle of little countries. I have to admit to being silently amused by the interwebs. I get basic facts from AM radio then I go online for both facts and entertainment. Like snorkeling in the ocean where I find a variety of interesting stuff including beautiful coral reefs of things that have always inspired me and made me happy (thank you) or schools of fish that educate me (I learn something new all the time), including encounters with suspicious looking open water creatures with grotesque features that want to either scare me away or lure me (no thanks).

But these dismal, wintery circumstances will be replaced by longer days soon. Here's a nice song by the band Ben & Ben...

Fruity, floral, sweet, and savory

I made these delicious stuff.

I have re-fixated on fragrances again; a rekindling of what I had during this post https://annaswhatnots.blogspot.com/2022/06/olfaction-reprise.html. Interestingly, I still have some of the Fico di Amalfi cologne by Acqua di Parma, which is more appropriate during warmer weather. Not wearing it today. Today is literally a snow day and the roads have only been plowed in the past few hours. 
I am just about to wrap up my day and thought that it would be nice to write something on the topic of scents, tastes...the senses. So I grabbed my copy of Diane Ackerman's "A Natural History of the Senses" and tried to find nice little passages that I can share with you. 

On Smell (p. 62): This scent obsession started long before. The first gift to the Christ Child was incense and, in the eleventh century, Edward the Confessor presented Westminster Abbey with a sacred and surprisingly imperishable relic--some of the original frankincense carried by the Magi...Perfumes have obsessed every culture and religion...

On Taste (p. 127): The other senses may be enjoyed in all their beauty when one is alone, but taste is largely social. Humans rarely choose to dine in solitude, and food has a powerful social component...Throughout the world, the stratagems of business take place over meals; weddings end with a feast; friends reunite at celebratory dinners; children herald their birthdays with ice cream and cake; religious ceremonies offer food in fear, homage, and sacrifice; wayfarers are welcomed with a meal.

On Vision (p. 278) Unbeautiful things often delight our eyes, too. Gargoyles, glitz, intense slabs of color, organized tricks of light. Sparklers and fireworks are almost painful to watch, but we call them beautiful...Our sense of wonder ignites... 

I haven't read this book from cover to cover yet I like it a lot when I discover and learn new things each time I grab it and read a brief section. That's one thing I've decided to do--relieve myself of the pressure of having to finish a book for leisure in one go and allow myself to pause and read something else when the mood strikes. 

Circling back to fragrance, this fascination was jumpstarted during the recent holidays when my younger sister gifted me with a really nice smelling vanilla and musky perfume called Angham by the brand Lattafa and this large bottle of Vanilla Cashmere lotion by EOS. At the moment, I am wearing this perfume called Skin by the brand Clean Reserve that has notes of musk, salt, praline, tonka bean, and leather (according to the internet). The only note I know is salt and not as a smell, but a taste. I just know that it's an at-home-just-took-a-shower-and-I'm-in-my-pajamas type of scent. I like the uniqueness and silence of it. Silence, meaning, it's inoffensive. 

I also found an old fragrance that I used to wear a lot that my husband likes called Eclat d'Arpege by Lanvin. It's much more affordable now compared to years ago when it was just released. I also just found out that the woman who designed the scent is still making perfumes for other fragrance houses. It's a fruity floral perfume with lilac. I think the lilac is the smell that stands out, but it is also inoffensive. I enjoy fruity and floral perfumes that enhance my mood like Nectarine Blossom and Honey by Jo Malone, Seville Orange by Nest New York, or Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet. The folks around me aren't very impressed with those scents--but I find myself feeling uplifted when I smell my wrist or the crook of my elbow. A great little sensory break during the day when I'm toiling away at work. I think that's why I gravitate towards certain scents. If a smell makes me feel great  (like a café, bakery, or freshly baked homemade bread), then I like it. And before you start thinking that I splurged serious cash on perfumes recently, I only got a full bottle of Eclat--the rest are either samples or travel sized.

So what smells, whether natural or synthetic, enhance your mood? If something comes to mind, I say smell it now and be momentarily uplifted. Your brain will thank you for the little TLC.

Our place in the scheme of things

Merry Christmas! I'm writing this from the garden state as a visitor in a town that literally includes the word holly. I was moved by the Christmas Mass homily I heard [link], with the local priest recalling his personal experience as a teen during midnight mass on Christmas Eve of 1968 and how at the same time, a monumental event was happening with the three men orbiting the moon on Apollo 8. Wishing everyone a meaningful Christmas and a bright New Year.

[P.S. the day after] I gifted myself a John Mayer concert shirt and a mug from online, because I'm in a domestic shipping zone. The relevance of this postscript statement: irrelevant and unnecessary. An overt, intentional humble brag of my access to a want-than-need purchase with a hint of dorkiness.
If you were in college/university at the same time (in another place) as this video below, high five! The temporal disorientation I experience whenever I watch this is odd. It doesn't feel like decades ago, but just yesterday...cheers!

brace yourselves

Snow is nigh according to latest weather forecasts. This clip above of Robert Frost reciting his poem is an invaluable treasure--an auditory and cognitive balm that is bittersweet. As the younger millenials would say, it gives me the feels.

On the topic of snow and this season of premature sunsets (sadness inducing), I had to take deep breaths during these past few days due to being overcome by unexpected yet unavoidable events. Like an Energizer Bunny fueled by its compulsion to check off lists and do stuff but caged within a physical space. As I write this as a form of mental release and to obliterate the limits of the physical, I am hopeful that the next part of this tiny experience is The Average. I like the average, and I've alluded to this in the past. Like I'm going through life as if hiking on my designated path (I chose 'designated' because it's convenient, and I know I will sound like I embrace determinism, but I will stay in my zone of dumbness where I state 'I do not know'), and majority of the path involves a relatively flat paved road where treading is not difficult (The Average). Then there are those parts of the path with walkalators, where everything is just super fine and dandy (Better than The Average). There are also those parts with treadmills in varying degrees of speed and incline (Below Average) and the band OK Go appears out of nowhere singing their song 'Here it goes again' and doing treadmill choreography to accompany your struggle.
Then there are those parts of the path that are obstacle courses a la American Ninja Warrior (Worse than The Average)--where I am an out of shape librarian type woman and I fall down some pit so frequently yet still carry on, because there is no time limit and I can only go forward because of rules in the universe. Where am I right now? Maybe in the average-leaning section of the Below Average spectrum. Like this section:



In other news, here's an AI-generated image of a smoothie. It's grayish because that's how I like it. I'm kidding. It's how the color ends up when you mix a banana, a scoop of chocolate protein powder, flaxseed meal, powdered peanut butter, frozen kale, frozen blueberries, and unsweetened almond milk. There you go, a smoothie recipe for your consideration. Adjust to taste.

another chance

 

Image by Betidraws from Pixabay

The past two weeks was a wake up call: vita brevis. After a routine procedure resulting in a vague yet concerning outcome, followed by further urgent diagnostic tests that miraculously resulted in good news--in the middle of it all, I was already catastrophizing in my mind. It was interesting that while I felt fear, there was a substantial part of me that felt acceptance. Like Oh, this is it. I didn't realize it was going to be this soon, yet I'm grateful. I mentioned many posts ago that I would sometimes maximize my senses during certain moments in order to experience being fully alive. I've decided to carry on with that practice as much as I could. Like this moment, I am in a quiet work area at a nice library during reading week (fewer university students) and currently listening to the track "All the Better For Her" from the original motion picture soundtrack of "Sense and Sensibility" (within the Spotify Playlist "Tea at Idlewild Cottage" by Julianna Lawson whom I discovered on Instagram and her podcast)--I am very grateful for this moment of health and peace. I initially booked a workspace from my building, but since we're affiliated with this academic institution, I thought of enhancing my work environment today. What a gift, eh? To be able to work. To have tasks to do.

My recommendation at this moment for you: if there is something that you don't like to go through and have experienced before--let's say acid reflux--and you don't have it at this very moment? Be grateful. Thank God. I did want to mention that on the days last week when I was waiting anxiously for confirmatory results, with surrender yet hope, I constantly prayed that if God wills it, I would be okay...but that God's will be done no matter what. I cannot tell you how many tears I shed nor can I clearly describe the roller coaster mixture of feelings of fear and acceptance that I went through, but the fact that my health is okay...that it was one of those rare occasions of false positives...my goodness, imagine the joy that my family felt. It was literally being given another chance. Another chance within the same single chance. We only have one life--a single chance to exist as we are at this moment, yet to be made aware of the invaluable time that we have on loan provides incredible clarity of what is important. So be kind to others and yourself. Life: what a gift.

Long weekend warmth

 Sharing today's disposition...

concretize your imagination

I recently listened to two talks involving machine learning and artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence (AI) is to program machines to work like human intelligence. Machine Learning (ML) is a subset of AI that involves computer programming techniques that contribute to the concretization of AI. Part of the work that I do involves some machine learning, in which statistical or mathematical models are constructed, trained and evaluated in its ability to either detect some pattern or discriminate between groups. I understand that persons in my field of practice have qualms about ML—I think part of it is that black boxes of algorithms are involved. I remember many of my grad school professors demonstrating how the statistical software we use is simply speeding up what can be hand calculated. So imagine when you have these amazing new computational processes that are so esoteric that to find a way to manually cross-check and ensure the quality and robustness of the resulting numbers is cumbersome and nearly impossible—then you expect some seasoned practitioners to be skeptical and averse. I'm probably wrong and there is a way to cross-check and that the skepticism is due to something else.

But that’s where things are going now right? Science fiction is quickly becoming science fact. Just think about Star Trek’s Tricorder device where you just put it near something or someone and it can answer whatever question you have about it. We have all these chatbots and smart speakers now. If the human mind can conceptualize it, it already exists and can become real. Aye there’s the rub, of course. There are many possibilities of exciting development yet many possibilities that could lead to dystopia. I am hoping for a higher degree of the former and minimum-to-none of the latter.

The past few weeks since I last posted, I was very much immersed in computational stuff and healthy, constructive arguments with collaborators, partly ML related. I am not a data scientist so ML is not in my bread-and-butter applications yet it's nearly inescapable to me now. Like any kind of group or team work (the good kind), people see things with different lenses and that is important. The end result is a good compromise. A group full of “yes” or full of “no” people will keep the group stuck in a rut. It’s like a group trek up a mountain with each member equipped with a specialized tool or skill, and each one possesses something similar that can be shared. Also these past few weeks, I looked forward to the end of the day or the weekend to watch a film or series. Some of the things I’m so happy to have seen include the latest episodes of The Rings of Power, Lockout, The Martian, and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. The last two films involved some AI. It’s where we are headed now…just blurting out prompts and obtaining some desired result. Like this likeness of my lunch that was generated by Google Gemini after I prompted it to create a picture of a green smoothie in a mason jar on top of a kitchen table in a Mars space station:  

Image generated by Google Gemini

mandibular articulation

 I just opened this new tab on my extended monitor to write about chatbots and pronunciations. This post dovetails this year-old post: https://annaswhatnots.blogspot.com/2023/07/techie-neo-luddite.html. I would like to report that I have downloaded the free ChatGPT app and I have had a few brief conversations with it. It's bizarre how the voice options have been humanized...it says um when stringing sentences together. The cadence of how the chatbot speaks is remarkable and it's easy to think that I'm conversing with a real person. Of course, it's not a creature capable of feeling or self-awareness. It is an inanimate thing that has been trained and continues to be trained by human input. 

I've asked about formulas, nutrition, and concepts that I wanted to know more about. I get a bit unnerved whenever it asks "what else would you like to talk about?" because it's tempting to misconstrue the question as genuine interest. I am no AI expert, but it seems like it was devised to continue the conversation to obtain more data for training. It surely evolves and is equipped with a limited type of memory--memory that is only activated when the option is enabled on the app. I enabled it so that it learns about how I prefer my responses or the nature of why I ask the questions I ask. No personal identifiers, of course. I know some people train ChatGPT to call them by their name.

I have seen the film "Her" during a flight and I thought it was provocative. Dependence on artificial intelligence is already here and the next question is whether artificial intelligence reaches a point of self-awareness and sentience. I mentioned the book "The Crucible" by James Rollins last May https://annaswhatnots.blogspot.com/2024/05/snapshots-in-transit.html and that book opened my mind to the dangerous and literal out-of-this-world possibilities. Once self-awareness becomes unlocked because of lack of regulation, it will be either Vision or Ultron. Science fiction to science fact.

I recently asked ChatGPT about caffeine and I was eating lunch. It then started talking about copying including its moral implications. I had to interrupt and clarify when my mouth wasn't full anymore, because I realized that maybe my accent influenced the prompt. I shouldn't talk when my mouth is full, nor should you. Choking hazard. Open to misinterpretation. 

On the topic of pronunciation, there are at least two native North American English speakers who have tried to say my name as Anna from the Disney animated film Frozen. Where the lower jaw is protracted a bit closer to one's neck and the A almost sounds like a wide-mouthed O. I very much appreciate the motive behind their effort. Most native English speakers call me with an æ sound just like in apple where I think the lower jaw is slightly protruding forward. Since I'm of Filipino descent, then my name is pronounced by fellow Filipinos with aligned upper and lower jaws with a an H sound after the A. My name is easy to say and write--it's a palindrome...thanks to my parents. "Fascinating", as Spock would say.

restricted access

Photo by Tara Winstead

Social media conditioning is detrimental--this is not breaking news. I'm sure I've thought out loud about this before. Even if I've limited my social media accounts and kept a lurker (or consumer) status, what I encounter during the day has a smidge-to-large influence in my daily life. There were surely many times when social media was beneficial, as in the case of real-time news about weather, traffic, and technological disruptions--but there is still AM news. Then again, our radio streaming is still dependent on the internet....oh wait, our alarm clock has a radio--that's comforting. 

Before I decided to write this post, I drank a glass of water with Alka-Seltzer. Why? I had a hefty serving of poutine, half a hotdog sandwich (shared it), and a zero-sugar (had to emphasize) soda for lunch. My gut said, "How dare you consume these affordable, delicious, highly processed material after being on a semi-clean eating streak? You have betrayed us! We shall decrease your gastric pH....Proton Pumps fire at will!" Then the gate-keepers guarding the junction between my stomach and esophagus cried out, "Ohr noehr, we cahn't keep the bahrrier!" (they are apparently Australian). 

To connect these two paragraphs above and my topic two posts ago: even if I've tried my best to resist negative ideas and habits, those "just this one time" exposures tend to lead to an avalanche of repercussions. It could be wasting time on social media about strangers arguing about politics of another country, or impulsively buying a lipstick that's supposed to look good on all skin tones, having a box of special-flavour cookies delivered, or becoming guilty about being a fan of a fantasy series involving a school for wizards and witches because it is evil, or feeling that I'm missing out because I'm not a member of so-and-so group or have not read so-and-so book...it's a lot of unnecessary experiences. One may say, it's self care: Do what makes you happy. You do you. Nah, it's not self-care. It's self-absorption. You may disagree and I respect your stance. My past self may even disagree with me now...I remember writing something along the lines of we deserve small invaluable joys. To an extent, sure, my current self thinks.

I realized that it isn't that my efforts aren't enough to keep my inner peace in check. It's these external things which are voracious and persistent. Their motivation may range from money to world domination. I don't really know, I belong to the lowest rung on the ladder of influence so I'm not privy to such global scale strategic planning mumbo jumbo. 

So I logged off my Instagram and Twitter. I will try not to use the two apps for as long as I can (update this morning: I turned on Instagram because of active message groups with kin and friends). I keep LinkedIn for work-related news (barely use it too). I keep YouTube for some healthy smoothie recipes or uplifting and funky music (is Spotify social media? I don't think so). Oh, but I have an anonymous Reddit account (facepalm). To justify my Reddit usage, I read about current events, what healthy stuff to consume, health-related experiences of women my age, or my faith (where authentic and qualified people actually respond). I'm not on it frequently so that's manageable. Honestly, Reddit is not as intuitive to me and I normally use the search bar to type a topic of interest. I have no other social media apps and it's quite an effort to keep it that way. 

If I ever caused you to rethink your social media consumption too, I hope it's for the better. If social media is your livelihood, more power to you and I'm sorry for not being a patron. It's just not working for me at the moment. I will be more open to real-world interactions and any physical form of information. I shall allow these tangible forms of information to be considered in my thought process. An exception: digital forms of relevant information such as e-books, journals, newsletters, e-mail...essential electronic material, if you will. If a message needs to reach me, it will reach me. If I need to reach out for a purpose, there are multiple ways to go about accomplishing that. Let's see if this experiment will improve my quality of life. 

I shall end this post with a statement by a writer named W. Somerset Maugham: "If fifty million people say something foolish, it is still foolish" (as quoted by Rolf Dobelli in his book 'The Art of Thinking Clearly'). 

 

power: literal and figurative

The torrential rain during the first half of today was disorienting. It is currently late in the afternoon and the sun has ironically decided to shine intensely. The overall mood from where I am writing this post is somber, which I attribute to a collective dried-after-being-drenched experience. The aftermath of the downpour included massive flooding and power outages--my home included. Estimated time of power restoration is midnight (I resumed this post in the everning and the power has returned :))

On the topic of power...During the past two weeks, our family rewatched the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings movies in a piecemeal manner. This is the nth time I've seen parts or the whole of this series and it still gives me an emotional high. The dialogue, acting, cinematography, and background score are incomparable. I'm among the majority of the audience who enjoys all the battle scenes--not because of the violence, but because of the sequences and choreography. Include the little moments of friendly banter among the protagonists ("That still counts as one!" by Gimli) and also when Eowyn says "I am no man" as she removes her helmet revealing her gender and then proceeds to slay the Witch-King of the Nazgul after he taunted her and stated "no man can kill me!" Powerful scene. I feel for Eowyn all throughout the story, so much so, that I once posted how I preferred her over Arwen. I take that back; also like Arwen. But the character who reigns supreme for me (at the moment) would be Samwise Gamgee. The combination of fierce loyalty, selflessness, fortitude, and lightheartedness that his character demonstrated in the story is truly a benchmark. The one ring had such power over most people yet Sam was immune to its darkness. His fraternal love and integrity made him confident of his purpose. He was kind but not naive. Easygoing yet courageous. Now that's power.