when it is ad hominem, dispose as refuse

 I wish I could find this internet thing that says something about wishing for a break from historical human events. Like Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook, I have deactivated my Twitter account--after 15 years. It has become filled with bots and trolls and has decreased in trustworthiness. It has become a space of anarchy and utter disrespect. And the strategy of mass repetition of a statement or certain statements is obviously a form of conditioning--like hypnotism. New age folks could describe it as filled with dark energy, and I could only describe it as diabolical...filled with demons. (YouTube is becoming the same...the political ads and comments)

I just grabbed a copy of C.S. Lewis's 'The Screwtape Letters' (published in 1942) where Screwtape, "...a senior tempter in the service of 'Our Father Below'," corresponds with his nephew Wormwood, "...a novice demon in charge of securing the damnation of an ordinary young man." In one of his letters, Screwtape advises Wormwood: "Let him begin by treating the Patriotism or the Pacifism as a part of his religion. Then let him, under the influence of partisan spirit, come to regard it as the most important part. Then quietly and gradually nurse him on to the stage at which the religion becomes merely part of the 'cause', in which Christianity is valued chiefly in favour of the British war-effort or of Pacifism...Once you have made the World an end, and faith a means, you have almost won your man, and it makes very little difference what kind of worldly end he is pursuing. Provided that meetings, pamphlets, policies, movements, causes, and crusades, matter more to him than prayers and sacraments and charity, he is ours--and the more 'religious' (on these terms) the more securely ours. I could show you a pretty cageful down here..."

Cue this famous children's rhyme: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me." 

We have to be careful, friends. It's Lent and I am struggling mentally and spiritually. My tendency to harbour a certain amount of anger and ill-will as a result of exposure to noisy information is among the many things I need to pray for. Compels mortification.

When my father was alive, his work later became associated with an authoritarian. At that time, my father's brilliance and behind-the-scenes efforts contributed to the unfortunate rise of this aforementioned figure. He alreay had terminal stage cancer then, but probably felt that he needed to achieve this goal. We supported his cause. Some of my peers had doubts, but since we vouched for this figure (but I did not vote due to geography), then they indicated support. A year later, my father succumbed to his affliction. A terrible political milieu followed and continues to occur even after new leadership. The thing is, to others, I have already been associated with these set of events. My father didn't experience (and likely didn't expect) the degree of negative (terrible) turn out that happened after his death. What a field day for anyone who didn't (and still don't) like me, eh? 

Let's examine ourselves. Is there something or someone that just rubs us the wrong way? We have no direct connection to this thing or this person, but we're just repelled? Maybe because this thing or person represents the opposite of how we identify ourselves. Then schadenfreude. Anything that reduces this thing or humiliates this person, (whether secretly or overtly) elates us? Yes to all questions? We have to hit the brakes, before we spiral into a never ending and vicious cycle of judgment and disdain. Next thing we know, we just added a potential winning point for the enemy below. A point for team Screwtape and Wormwood.

It's tricky. Everyday and every second. Let's ask for help. Let's help ourselves. God help us. God help me. Kyrie eleison. There are terrible external threats to our souls, but one insidious enemy that we have to be aware of is our own self-sabotaging tendencies. 

We can do this. 

restricted access

Photo by Tara Winstead

Social media conditioning is detrimental--this is not breaking news. I'm sure I've thought out loud about this before. Even if I've limited my social media accounts and kept a lurker (or consumer) status, what I encounter during the day has a smidge-to-large influence in my daily life. There were surely many times when social media was beneficial, as in the case of real-time news about weather, traffic, and technological disruptions--but there is still AM news. Then again, our radio streaming is still dependent on the internet....oh wait, our alarm clock has a radio--that's comforting. 

Before I decided to write this post, I drank a glass of water with Alka-Seltzer. Why? I had a hefty serving of poutine, half a hotdog sandwich (shared it), and a zero-sugar (had to emphasize) soda for lunch. My gut said, "How dare you consume these affordable, delicious, highly processed material after being on a semi-clean eating streak? You have betrayed us! We shall decrease your gastric pH....Proton Pumps fire at will!" Then the gate-keepers guarding the junction between my stomach and esophagus cried out, "Ohr noehr, we cahn't keep the bahrrier!" (they are apparently Australian). 

To connect these two paragraphs above and my topic two posts ago: even if I've tried my best to resist negative ideas and habits, those "just this one time" exposures tend to lead to an avalanche of repercussions. It could be wasting time on social media about strangers arguing about politics of another country, or impulsively buying a lipstick that's supposed to look good on all skin tones, having a box of special-flavour cookies delivered, or becoming guilty about being a fan of a fantasy series involving a school for wizards and witches because it is evil, or feeling that I'm missing out because I'm not a member of so-and-so group or have not read so-and-so book...it's a lot of unnecessary experiences. One may say, it's self care: Do what makes you happy. You do you. Nah, it's not self-care. It's self-absorption. You may disagree and I respect your stance. My past self may even disagree with me now...I remember writing something along the lines of we deserve small invaluable joys. To an extent, sure, my current self thinks.

I realized that it isn't that my efforts aren't enough to keep my inner peace in check. It's these external things which are voracious and persistent. Their motivation may range from money to world domination. I don't really know, I belong to the lowest rung on the ladder of influence so I'm not privy to such global scale strategic planning mumbo jumbo. 

So I logged off my Instagram and Twitter. I will try not to use the two apps for as long as I can (update this morning: I turned on Instagram because of active message groups with kin and friends). I keep LinkedIn for work-related news (barely use it too). I keep YouTube for some healthy smoothie recipes or uplifting and funky music (is Spotify social media? I don't think so). Oh, but I have an anonymous Reddit account (facepalm). To justify my Reddit usage, I read about current events, what healthy stuff to consume, health-related experiences of women my age, or my faith (where authentic and qualified people actually respond). I'm not on it frequently so that's manageable. Honestly, Reddit is not as intuitive to me and I normally use the search bar to type a topic of interest. I have no other social media apps and it's quite an effort to keep it that way. 

If I ever caused you to rethink your social media consumption too, I hope it's for the better. If social media is your livelihood, more power to you and I'm sorry for not being a patron. It's just not working for me at the moment. I will be more open to real-world interactions and any physical form of information. I shall allow these tangible forms of information to be considered in my thought process. An exception: digital forms of relevant information such as e-books, journals, newsletters, e-mail...essential electronic material, if you will. If a message needs to reach me, it will reach me. If I need to reach out for a purpose, there are multiple ways to go about accomplishing that. Let's see if this experiment will improve my quality of life. 

I shall end this post with a statement by a writer named W. Somerset Maugham: "If fifty million people say something foolish, it is still foolish" (as quoted by Rolf Dobelli in his book 'The Art of Thinking Clearly'). 

 

Summer's passing by

Thought to share this photo of the cider I had last Sunday. It was a 20-oz glass of summer deliciousness. 

Summer is going well thus far, how about yours? My current formula includes physical activity, scripture-guided meditation, and fiction. Sleep could be better; I'm going to work on it. The physical activity aspect was due to a joint issue I developed that requires professional attention. A wake-up call of sorts. Glad that I sought help and didn't aggravate the issue by keeping sedentary. 

On the topic of fiction, I just finished this Ali Hazelwood book I started to read yesterday afternoon entitled The Love Hypothesis. If the copy of James Rollins' Subterranean that I loaned from the library had judgmental eyes, it would be staring daggers at me for leaving it on standby on page 172. I think it's fine to complement one's mood with the type of text you want to read for leisure. As seasonal as listening to the Summer Hits of the 70s playlist during the summer (cue Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra) instead of pumpkin spice or fall feels playlists. 

The darling buds of May (updated)

 (update) The original post title I wrote made me cringe…omitted that damp statement…shivering from the ew-ness. (end of update)

It has been drizzling/raining this past week, but I was able to find some window of time to take walks outside. Nature’s floral display is undeniably beautiful. Unfortunately, my pollen sensitivity is competitive. What have you been up to, my imaginary audience? Same same? Me? Ditto. I’ve been enjoying the serenity of more real-life living with a reduction in exposure to internet scrolling. Not a complete elimination of exposure—there are things online that facilitate access to happiness and/or inspiration. 😄 Everything in moderation. FOMO is an illusion. AM radio headlines, traffic, and weather: basic nice-to-know. The point of this post is to encourage you to go outside and enjoy nature. If I’m preaching to the choir, then perhaps we can spread the mood? Excellent.

Pax Vobis

 

Screenshot from https://www.escrivaworks.org/book/the_way-point-258.htm

Unfortunately, many of the "scruples" that St. Josemaria Escriva mentioned in the passage above are self-imposed. Perhaps, sparked by something outside ourselves that we kindled and nurtured internally. As Hamlet's famous soliloquy goes, "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of trouble, and, by opposing, end them?" By outrageous fortune--it could go either extreme--outrageously good or outrageously bad. It could commence as an idea that we continued to nurse and feed in our minds, causing turbulence and depriving us of peace. And...by St. Escriva's logic---"What takes away your peace of soul cannot come from God." What a useful guideline, isn't it? A great criterion whether something is for the higher good. 

Be stingy with one's greatness (motivation post)

Photo by Ryanniel Masucol from Pexels

 

When you are equipped with a considerable amount of knowledge, skills, unusual abilities--both requisite and nonessential--which are of value to you and more importantly to others, do not be an open book. Do not be a sample copy in a big bookstore chain where only the cover, table of chapters/contents, or physical appearance are given any time and consideration. Note that I'm not talking about the workforce or when you're in a job interview, which certainly compel you to showcase what you can put on the table in order to achieve a common goal whether helping make a company achieve its place in the Forbes 100 or how the breadth of your experience in transcranial magnetic stimulation makes you the most competent person who should be hired to zap neurons in the motor cortex in a breakthrough study. In those circumstances, you should be an open book...or maybe provide a complimentary chapter in your book. Are you catching up? Bueno.

Be an onion. A large white onion in a mountain of other white onions among other varieties of onions along the vegetable aisle of a supermarket. Be unassuming. Not for false modestly or self-righteousness. This is difficult, because depending on the type and degree of provocation, one's pride will tend to nurse itself. If someone tells you randomly and without prompt, I have very strong thumbs and I can see that yours are stubby, you might be tempted to retort, Well, I've been using thumb kettlebells to train my opposable digits as I'm representing my local library in the annual provincial canned sparkling water tab opening competition where the prize is a lifetime supply of canned La Croix sparkling water in passion fruit or mango...halt, stop, brake. Too much information. Lots of adrenaline mixed with pride.

My recommendation: examine the other creature. Squint your eyes to adjust your focus. Scratch your chin. Ask yourself: Does this animate form deserve to know the greatness of my existence? While one's instinct  would understandably resort to wallowing in self-doubt and pity and immediately write a mental note to shop online for fashionable gloves to disguise said stubby thumbs, pivot your thoughts. Does this person really need to know that your stubby thumbs are athletic grade or that you were once at the peak of your academic career and have a good grasp of the sciences or that you were a virtuoso and a multi-instrumentalist or that you've traveled to a Scandinavian nation alone or that you've seen a Van Gogh or rubbed elbows with notable figures or that you have a hefty pen collection? Is this creature worth divulging this valuable information? Do you see this creature as being part of your life? Do you need this person's validation? If your response is No to at least one of these questions, then imagine that superglue currently exists between your upper and lower lip and smile. Smile a knowing smile. A non-condescending antagonistic smile. Maybe a this-person-is-such-a-poor-cutie smile. Tell yourself, Oh no, I'm not interested in this game and I am not playing. The layers of my precious onion are reserved for certain entities...or maybe nobody at all. *hair flip*      

 

When you know

My question to you, dear imaginary cyber friends, is: what do you do when you know someone is deliberately giving you bad advice? And that you feel so sorry that they wrote their strategic attack plan on PowerPoint and it's projected on their foreheads while they're looking straight at you? And you know that they think they are being smart and that you are so naive as to not detect what they're actually doing? (That was more than 1 question, but...yes)

Friends, friends, friends...I was so happy to have been reminded by this quote from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by this tweet: https://twitter.com/EthicsInBricks/status/1156516957665091584

Image source

https://twitter.com/EthicsInBricks/status/1156516957665091584https://twitter.com/EthicsInBricks/status/1156516957665091584

My recommendation: read. Educate yourself. Know all the facts related to what you do and how to live your life. For example, read your national or local driver's handbook. Know all the rules. If someone teaches you how to properly park beside the curb, giving you all the nitty gritty technical advice (about 30-cm away from the curb, positioning your wheels when uphill or downhill, shift to park) but deliberately omits the important detail that you are adjacent to a fire hydrant...no, no, no. Cautiously correct them by saying, isn't it illegal to park and block a fire hydrant? And then they say, "no, no, it's alright to do that and it's a case to case basis" but you've read the revised edition of the handbook and know that there are repercussions. Try to remind them again to see whether they've simply forgotten the rules or are really derailing you and setting you up for failure in ever so undetectable increments. Deal with this person in a nuanced manner.

Be aware, friends. Be aware.

On a side note, I have received advice to be wary of bad advice. Now that's definitely sound advice.

"look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul" ~Vincent by Don McLean

In the end, what matters is how we have made others feel and how we have uplifted others through our lives.  I have written my second eulogy within a two-year time frame and the common theme is the celebration of life. That the end of another person's life is an opportunity to reflect on ours.  Through this loaned life that will be inevitably taken away from us, are we willing to ensure that the things we leave behind--deeds, creative work, interactions, help we've extended to our immediate family and our neighbours--are things that will enhance other people's lives.

Landscape from Saint-Remy by Van Gogh, 

NY Carlsberg Glyptotek[Wikicommons link]

About life...
In 2009, I visited the NY Carslberg Glyptotek and saw my first real Van Gogh: a lesser known piece entitled Landscape from Saint-Remy. I was less than a forearm's length from the painting. I became emotional, not because of the actual physical painting but that I knew about Van Gogh's life (through my high school English class) and that all the beautiful things he left behind were created amidst  such a sad and turbulent life. I couldn't take a photo because it wasn't allowed. I just stood there in silent tears while a female guard was at the entrance of the small room that featured the painting. I may have forgotten the painting prior to this (thanks to Google and Wikipedia) , but I remember the feeling.

There is this Dr. Who episode wherein Dr. Who brings Van Gogh to the future to show the artist how his works are well-loved by many people and that he is considered among the greatest artists--if not the greatest artist--of all time. While fictional, wouldn't it be nice if those we love who have passed on from this life had the opportunity to feel what the fictional Van Gogh felt in this episode? Warning, you will cry.

So, what do you think about that, Augustus with severed forelimbs?

Practising Repose

 

Image from Pixabay

I would have to agree with a scientist who posted earlier today that there is a tendency to examine whether one's expectations are unreasonable and that perhaps, one should have lower expectations in order to attenuate feelings of disappointment towards others.  Furthermore, a resolution that "we should all be better" warrants a virtual standing ovation.  We teach people how to treat us. The simple and universal norm of respect--not only in terms of hellos, thanks yous, pleases--including valuing other people's time, providing timely responses to questions, sincerity, truthfulness, being upfront yet courteous are marks of admirable character.

There is a temptation to go the "an eye for an eye" route.  I caught myself stooping down to this level in my personal situation and I am happy for "early detection and prompt treatment."  We have heard the "forgive seventy seven times" statement and "an attitude of gratitude." I learned that hoping for change in others or waiting for their self-accountability is a futile focus.  Rather, we should wear our "horse blinders against negativity" and pay more attention to the positives in our lives...and surround ourselves with other individuals who share the same ethics.  

The motivational speaker Jim Rohn is famous for stating that "we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with." If we are not aware enough, we imbibe the personalities and preferences of those we expose ourselves to daily. Of course, family would probably fill up the magic number 5, however, we spend a substantial amount of time doing our "vocation."  This does not mean that we should be aloof, rude, and constantly judgmental. It is simply being wise with our interactions.  Would we want to spend time with someone who complains a lot? Who does not follow through? Who is narcissistic? Who speaks badly about others? 

Unfortunately, I still have a proportion of naivete in me.  On the topic of being caught unawares in my interactions, here's a little story: I ordered my usual coffee at this cafe (I don't frequent). I was the only one in queue. From the register, I proceeded to where the drinks are supposed to be picked up. The barista was passionately talking about her favorite tea and how she was devastated that it was discontinued. She was clearly distraught and I suggested that she should try to combine tea varieties to replicate it or choose a similar alternative. Then I realized that she was putting whipped cream on my coffee. I ordered an americano misto. I got what seemed to taste like a vanilla or coconutmilk latte with whipped cream. She might have not known what the drink was or maybe the label on the cup was illegible. The simplistic solution was to ask: either the coworker at the register to clarify what the drink was or me and what I ordered. But man, was she a fantastic actress. I let it go and said "thank you." For her pride. Luckily I ordered a short. Dear universe, it was unpleasant. 

Today's moral lessons: Disappointment is directly proportional to attachment to expectations. Focus on the positive. Be more compassionate.

Not frobly-mobly

"Frobly-mobly" means neither well nor unwell. Fun fact.

It would appear that Disney has a supply of apt videos for my recent blog posts--I encourage you to watch the famous song "Reflection" from the film Mulan, which was sung by none other than Tony Award-winning and fellow Filipina Lea Salonga...
 

It seems that we all put on a mask to measure up to whatever standards are imposed by our environment. Even if one has achieved what is expected (e.g. wealth, education, etc.), deep within there is an undeniable insatiability that is sometimes mistaken as the need to level-up one's goals.  Most of the ruminations in our head are really fed by wanting to be affirmed by others.  We forget that we should put ourselves right on top of the pecking order. Of course, it's easier said than done especially if our personal happiness is tightly linked to other people's happiness.  The first step is to "sshh" our minds as Chris Evans suggests in this feature.

As for me, I realized that there's a need to constantly remind myself that I have control over how attached I should be about my thoughts, because I forget--just like Dory from Finding Nemo. Much of the anxious feelings I experience are due to over-examination or over-interpretation of certain events or encounters, which is probably the case for most of us.  So it's useful to tell one's self: "*insert your name*, ssshh."   

Venturing into the trenches of thought

Image source

To refer to philosophical works as a means to design one's life is similar to following religious doctrine. There are philosophical theologians who have endeavored to reconcile philosophy and the divine.  I had been gravitating towards the practicality of stoicism, primarily because most of my ideas and perceptions about life and existence conform to stoic ideas. Also, I have been reading Meditations by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius and about the stoic school of thought until I had to draw in the reins after listening to a BBC Radio 4 episode on Stoicism.  Mainly due to the fact that I am not trying to justify a pagan, self-sufficient life.  I must agree with the stoic conviction of pursuing a virtuous life by investing in the present, since (as classical Greek stoicism exhorts) nature has already designed our destiny.  However, I believe that it is not enough to think that just because the future is uncertain, we have incomplete control over what is to come. We still need to live a virtuous present with the future in mind; that our present actions ultimately affect the future. And that the uncertainty levels of the future can be dampened based on the conscious efforts we exert in the present.

As Josemaria Escriva once wrote on his chapter on supernatural life: If you lose the supernatural meaning of life, your charity will be philanthropy; your purity, decency; your mortification, stupidity; your discipline, a lash; and all your works, fruitless. (The Way, 280)     

drown the vociferous with placidity

I've posted twice about the poem Desiderata--earlier this year and in 2007.  The unfortunate reality is that in spite of one's conscious effort to be objective, calm, and composed in the face of tumult...upheaval...chaos, it is natural to be affected. Tame the tempestuous version of one's self and as in the opening line of Desiderata: "Go placidly amidst the noise and haste." While it is acceptable to nurse one's pride, let us introspect about a Google-able Yoda quote: "..when you look at the dark side, careful you must be...for the dark side looks back." 

Finally, as the managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), Christine Lagarde, once said--"if you respect people...if you have a good worth about yourself...providence will take you."

Embrace your uniqueness

Source

My youngest sister would jokingly complain about how people would chat her up using Chinese or Hawaiian references, because people assumed her ethnicity. I would get asked for directions in any East Asian language and I find it very amusing. I made small talk with someone who began ranting about how he was always mistaken for a particular ethnic background and that he would be treated badly at shops which he assumed to be because of his appearance and accent. Despite being highly educated.  Meanwhile, a former schoolmate unburdened herself of her sadness on social media, because she was tired of being told that she needed to change her appearance.

To rationalize all this, I realized that perhaps the acts of aversion we receive from people may be due to the twisted fact that we somehow do not conform to whatever norm exists in whichever place. There is a temptation to blend in--speak a certain way, wear certain garments, pretend to engage in certain activities. At the end of the day, it becomes exhausting. It is less stressful to be one's self. As in the Shakespearean "to thine own self be true." I once read that to be different means to be "limited edition."

I am sure no one is exempt from feelings of insecurity. However, the variation lies on how people choose to deal with these unnecessary stressors. In relation to a previous post about dealing with those who debase what we value--when our identities are devalued, we can respond in a number of ways. We should definitely choose our response wisely. Choke on tears, admit the hurt. Just don't concretize your violent-Thor/Godzilla/Mr.Hyde tendencies. Not cool.

Vivid, languid, and practical

Source

There are certain days in a week that I'm sure many of us look forward to more than others. It doesn't always have to be Friday--it could even be, miraculously, a Monday. For myself, it's a day when I could go to this Italian nook and briefly enjoy their 5-dollar, happy hour special: a cup of cappuccino and a cannolo.  If I'm feeling a bit splurge-y at a particular moment, I'd occasionally get an additional macaron. Quiet time with quality coffee and a pastry constitute a formula for happiness. For under $10. I know that sometimes we need to be frugal about our whims, yet, it's food. It's a basic need of man. It's not ALL the time. No, I'm not feeling guilty. Actually, I feel guilty that I'm not feeling guilty. As an alternative example, I also experience the same level of happiness when I make myself a cup of instant coffee and pair it with cream cheese on toast. The point is that we can create our own happiness if we choose to. It's a matter of romanticizing the ordinary, magnifying the current state, stretching time, being in the present.  

To boldly go...in moderation

  Source

No human being is resistant to feelings of anger.  Even Jesus was infuriated when merchants filled a synagogue and made it look like a market rather than a place of worship.  This is a challenging Lenten season for me--so much to repent for internally, particularly the pride department.  It is natural for anyone immersed in both a domestic and career milieu to impose (on oneself) the duty to contribute and fulfill obligations related to building a secure home life especially when it also involves rearing children. It is also equally commonplace for unexpected obstacles to arise as ball and chain impediments that serve as wake up calls that we are disturbing the empiricist-idealist balance within us. On top of that is our human nature of using others as the scapegoats of our anger, when in fact we are angry with ourselves.

I have been having brief conversations with family about life. We are at different levels on the wheel of fate but my youngest sister and I are in the same vicinity. My father told my sister that the first thing that she needs to do is to forgive herself. I should do the same. My husband assured me that we are still alright--that I shouldn't burden myself with the feeling that all the unplanned predicaments that make our logistical situation less than ideal is my fault.  I once posted that we are all (to some degree) self-centered. We feel that provocations ranging from pinpricks to full-blown life changing challenges are deliberate when the truth is, everyone else is thinking about themselves. Thinking that everyone else is out to get them. We wallow in our own anxieties and play the blame game roll call that ends with ourselves.

Moral lesson: forgiveness--towards others, but more importantly, ourselves.

elective affinities

Elective Affinities by Rene Magritte

Yesterday, out of brain drain, I decided to take a short walk despite the horrid snow and bought a Rubik's cube and Yuval Noah Harari's "Sapiens." That's what happens when my mind gets fatigued--it craves even more self-inflicted torture.  Sapiens means wise in Latin.  So Homo sapiens literally translates to wise man. I'm only on page 9 of the book and I'm already captivated. Harari states "In Homo sapiens, the brain accounts for about 2-3 per cent of total body weight, but it consumes 25 per cent of the body's energy when the body is at rest."  I used to say our brain takes up about 20% of the stored energy in food that we consume...so it's apparently more than that. That's why I'm perennially exhausted. We're all perennially exhausted.  

I've been thinking--I've always been thinking. Thinking about things I should think about; yet, probably like most Homo sapiens, I wastefully think. It's a procrastinating kind of thinking. I'm not moving, but I'm thinking. I'm folding clothes and I'm thinking. I'm in the shower and I'm thinking. I'm walking home and I'm thinking. Imagine doing all those things with robotic wide eyes--being physically present but with your mind wandering. Somewhere unnecessary. Futile thinking. It's a bad habit.  I stand up as a distraction, do a bit of tippy toe action...pumping my gastrocnemius to aid the veins at my lower extremities. I breathe in deeply until I fill my inspiratory reserve volume then breathe out until I void my expiratory reserve volume. Anything to stop the superfluous thoughts. The thoughts aren't all that bad; most of the time the thoughts are nice. Nice thoughts, but just wasteful.

Harari also states, "The ability to create an imagined reality out of words enabled large numbers of strangers to cooperate effectively." And procrastinate gloriously. Like yours truly. I should get back to writing...oh wait, before I forget...so I rediscovered Adjustment Bureau last night and the last scene mentioned something related to free will...that we never know how to use it until we have to fight for it.  I tried to connect it to Disney's Moana theme where the song goes "Everything is by design...so maybe I can roll with mine...I'll be satisfied if I play along but the voice inside sings a different song, what is wrong with me?"

Odd connections, huh? A book, a science fiction movie, and a Disney film...oh and a surrealist work of art. Brain matter turning into mush, that's what it is.

Cheers.    

on feminism

L'Etoile by Egar Degas

Since this morning I began to ponder on "The personal is political," which can be considered as the catchphrase of the feminist movement. I thought that my current break time was opportune to let my brain pass gas (lol). Feminism can be expressed and advocated in various ways--through one's lifestyle or through blatant protest.  My interpretation of feminism is precisely "the personal is political." Oftentimes, feminism tends to highlight the double standards that separate men from women. I tend to focus on feminism as the enhancement and celebration of other women apart from myself. 

Let's face it--women are inherently competitive with each other. That is something I've always recognized. My take on feminism is to enhance other women--to be the anti-crab mentality advocate. I read the recent issue of Fashion magazine with Sophie Gregoire-Trudeau on the cover. The issue celebrates feminism and how it can be achieved by uplifting fellow women--espousing "common goodness" as Gregoire-Trudeau stated.  

Women are definitely more hormonal than men--physiologically speaking. And the combination of external environment, personal predicaments, etc. molds the modern day hormonal woman. I know that, because I have PCOS and have a hormonal imbalance. I've always practised "mind over matter" and probably almost mastered a homeostatic emotional state. Like removing my consciousness and laying it outside myself as an objective observer while I make sense of the specimen that is--myself. I know, it's a ridiculous thing to imagine but I find it to be an effective coping mechanism. 

Of course, there are extreme provocations that can cause me to implode/explode (whichever spontaneously occurs) and my husband has been a solid support. I had to ask him again last night what he sees in me and he would just laugh. I now brand him as a feminist...with a weird taste in women. Exhibit A: yours truly.

I also think that a woman who is also a feminist is considerate of everyone. Everyone wants to be valued. Whether it be family, friends, acquaintances, strangers... Manifesting an air of "yes, you matter and I will listen to you" is very empowering. When you value others, you feel a sense of fulfillment. When that happens, you enhance your life. You enhance your womanhood. 

Success in Failure

Image Source

Today, I was inspired by failure. Excuse the Yoda introduction.

This post's theme began yesterday when I noticed someone's eyeglass frames that immediately reminded me of a pair I own which then later made me think of the bespectacled actors who played part of NASA's ground control crew in Apollo 13.  Apollo 13 has been dubbed NASA's successful failure, because despite its 'almost-landed-on-the-moon' drama due to technical mishaps, the crew returned home alive. 

Yesterday afternoon, I attended a talk by a professor who has been cited thousands (maybe millions) of times because of his work. As expected, he was humble, funny, and stated 'I don't know' with a matching shrug followed by valid musings when he was asked something. He lightly ranted that his first paper was rejected a few times (a paper that led to other papers which then resulted to a cascade of other breakthroughs). 

Other famous persons came to mind (see photo image above).  

I'm fervently hoping that one day, I will look back and appreciate all the times I've been in some kind of 'so near yet so far' situation. While it's tempting to enumerate all those moments in my life-- I won't.  Just so I could avoid sounding obnoxious like 'well, I didn't achieve this because of this or that but look at me now' humble-brag. I shiver and cringe at the thought of being that kind of person.

Of course, I don't aim to fail because I'm certain that there's nowhere else to go but up. What I'm trying to say is that there are character-building benefits related to failure. My very first post about the advantages of not being an overachiever is somewhat related...  

Almost synesthetic

Van Gogh's Cafe Terrace at Night

The earlier part of this week was emotionally charged for everyone (whether or not you follow global politics) and the weather did not help either. Fortunately, I have been preoccupied with mundane, almost-mechanical tasks this week and I'm glad. Midweek up until today, the weather was absolutely beautiful. I had to take frequent short walks outside (otherwise, sitting for prolonged periods would cause my joints to creak) so that I could let my senses feast on everything. They say that reds, oranges, and yellows are stimulating colors (it's fall) which is why most eating establishments incorporate those in their design whether in terms of the logo, decor, or food containers (even condiments).  

I remember last year when I thought I was going through a sort of burn out or withdrawal complex because of a drastic shift in circumstances. I would go to this bench (donated in honor of this dead obstetrician) facing the facade of where I'm currently enrolled in grad school and stared at what was in front of me for as long as I possibly could--I would attempt to shift my entire consciousness through my eyes. It helped. It really did. I still go there. I might go there later; it's a beautiful day. 

Sanity via ocular gluttony. May be gluttony isn't a good word--basking? Ocular basking. Ocular indulgence. Visual indulgence--that sounds less pathological.

Visual indulgence. It's free. Just don't accidentally ogle a human being.

University College, UofT on Tripadvisor

flashback, keep the horse blinders off

[Feel free to aim your super soaker on me via your monitor---it's your computer.]

I was in graduate class today and my prof mentioned John Godfrey Saxe's "The Blind Men and the Elephant" which I mentioned in 2007 when I was ranting about how people with specializations tend to snub other fields of specialization.  Someone once told me that when he was doing his thesis about this specific method for data analysis, it was as if he had a hammer and everything was a nail.  I get that.  Each time I was studying a disease, I thought everyone had it---I had it, whether encephalopathy, worms, flesh-eating bacteria, delusory parasitosis, etc.

Let this post be a reminder that we need to zoom out and get out of whatever specialized ivory tower we live in and contaminate ourselves with other equally interesting (or more interesting) fields of knowledge.